Sergei Lapdog was perplexed. He had heard the news from the UK, that Boris Johnson was facing a revolt from many of his ministers. How was he going to arrange a duel with his Tsar…sorry, President?
“Actually,” he pondered, “this could work in Johnson’s favour. He can hardly turn the challenge down, now that he’s in such deep doo-doo.” He spoke: “Yes, President Pudding. I’ll get it arranged. How soon could you be ready to rumble?”
“I’m ready now,” answered Vlad the Imploder. “It’ll be like Brad Pitt in ‘Troy’; we’ll be champions, fighting for our country’s honour.”
“Something just occurred to me,” piped in Getyouroksov. “What if Johnson sets a condition on the outcome of the duel?”
Vladimir Pudding narrowed his piggy, little eyes and hissed: “What kind of condition?”
Getyouroksov suddenly wished that he hadn’t opened his big, fat gob.
“Well, you just mentioned about champions and, instead of the armies fighting, the champions decided the outcome…and errm…”
Lapdog came to his aid: “And Boris might demand that, if he wins…”
“You mean you think I could lose?” said Pudding. “No way, José. Nah, Boris will have to accept, without any conditions. If he doesn’t, his people will call him a chicken and then he really will have to resign.”
Lapdog advised: “That could happen anyway, so we need to throw down the gauntlet immediately.”
“What?” said Pudding. “No, we need to challenge Boris right now. Make it happen, Lapdog.”
“Peasant,” thought Lapdog.
Lapdog and Getyouroksov got up from the UBER Table and left the room. They looked at each other and Lapdog asked: How do you fancy your chances against Stoltenberg?”
“I hope he means the Secretary-General and not the Supreme Commander,”
Minority News Report 