IRISH HARD BORDER: NAKED EMPEROR ASKS, “WHY THE HELL NOT?”

In an unprecedented show of complete and utter clarity today, an unnamed man, purporting to be an emperor and not wearing a stitch of clothing, stunned everyone involved in the Brexit process by declaring, in a thick Belfast accent: “Why the hell can’t there be a hard border between Northern Ireland and the Republic?”

Upon hearing this, some Euro MPs were seen to tear their hair and rend their clothes, while the MP for Little Istanbulstein-on-the-Wold and Chipping Sudetenland fainted on the spot and had to be revived with a promise of a 50% increase in personal expenses.

Jacques Cheroaque, EU Minister for Autobahns, Duty Free Fags and Wandering Minstrels, was heard to exclaim: “This man is not an emperor; he’s a god. I will renounce my position with immediate effect and follow him around like a King Charles Spaniel puppy.” However, The Right Dishonourable James St. John FitzAnstarts, UK Minister for Rejecting All Brexit Proposals, could be heard to grumble: “What gives this loony the right to make sense? He’s a threat to public safety and must be deported to the Colonies…or Scotland.”

On the Sceptred Isle, reaction was swift, with the Irish T-Shirt demanding talks “some time in the future” with Theresa May, suggesting the meeting place as: “A nice little spot on the banks of the River Boyne, just outside Drogheda.” The UK PM was asked to express an emotion, but she declined, merely saying: “I will be talking with this naked emperor soon in order to get the best possible deal for my clothes designer.”

The Rumanian president, whose name cannot be uttered, chipped in: “This is a stake in the heart for the European Union.”