TRUMP DRINKS GALLON OF BEER, SAYS SOMETHING NICE ON TWITTER THEN ORDERS INVASION OF TAIWAN

“I drink beer. I like beer. I was weened on beer. I live for beer. If I had a keg, I’d drink it in the morning, I’d drink it in the evening, all over this land…”

With shares in beer companies surging after Brett Kavanaugh eulogised/sobbed uncontrollably about the amber nectar, President Trump was overheard saying: “This beer thing has gone on too goddamed long. I’ve gotta try it. I want beer. I’m gonna be the best drunk the world has ever seen.” Reports say that the president’s aides tried to dissuade him but the Iron and Steel Prez was not for turning. They then forcibly restrained him, but Trump belied his 70 years and shrugged them off with a few ‘lucha libre’ moves that he’d learnt from Presidente-electo Andrés Manuel López Obrador (or ‘Manny Labrador’ as Trump called him).

“I want Mexican beer!” el Trumpo bellowed and thrust his coiffured head into an opened keg of Dos Equis. “They’re gonna called it Triple X now! I need to tweet!” Aides were taken aback at the sight of the President’s beer-soaked hair, as it now flowed, Rapunzel-like, to the floor.

“Hey Hillary, coochi-coo baby. Who luvs ya?” The tweet was removed.

“We gotta invade shumbody! An’ I don’t mean some little, tinpot banana repu…rebu…plic like Panama or Pakistan. Let’s go fer the big one…China! Invade one o’ their islands they built in the…ahh..wazzername ah that ocean?” And he stabbed a short, chubby digit into the map.

 

 

SPECIAL PURPOSE VEHICLE RUNS OVER EU LEADERS ON FIRST OUTING

In 1930, one of the dignitaries present at the opening of the Liverpool and Manchester Railway, the MP and ex-Secretary of State for War and the Colonies (try getting away with that title nowadays), William Huskisson, was run over by Stephenson’s Rocket and died later of his injuries.

Don’t get me wrong; “runs over” is purely metaphorical, the reason being that this Special Purpose Vehicle isn’t actually a vehicle with wheels – it’s a mechanism to get around the trade sanctions imposed on Iran by the Leader of the Free (Trade) World, President Donald Trump. The EU Foreign Policy Head, Federica Mogherini. declared:

“EU member states will set up a legal entity [the SPV] to facilitate legitimate financial transactions with Iran and this will allow European companies to continue to trade with Iran in accordance with European Union law and could be open to other partners in the world,”

Honestly, could they not have thought up a better and less confusing name? The ‘FYT’ immediately springs to mind – you can guess what the initials stand for.

HASÁN ROHANI BITCH SLAPS TRUMP WITH OCTOPUS

If only that were true, that the Supreme Leader (thought that was Diana Ross) took a live octopus to the Best President That The USA Has Ever Had, but sadly it was only a seal that slapped a kayaker round the chops with the aforementioned tentacled sea creature…yep, you read that correctly, a seal…a real one and not a Navy SEAL. Incidentally, judging by how many guys now claim to be ex-Navy SEALS, they must make up about half of the US armed forces.

And speaking of all things supreme, here is tomorrow’s headline today:

KEVIN SPACEY ACCUSES SUPREME COURT NOMINEE BRETT KANANAUGH OF NOT SEXUALLY ASSAULTING HIM

Now the first accusation of groping a young lady when young and drunk could be dismissed as “Ah, haven’t we all done that” but with one accusation comes another…it’s a bit like consulting the Akashic record when you die; you see all your life passing in front of your eyes…if you still have eyes when you’re dead, of course. That’s an interesting question, is it not? If your soul shuffles off its mortal coil and heads off to The Other Side, what does the soul look like? Does it still have a human form? Or are we just blobs of light? If that’s the case, you’re going to have a hard job recognising your family and friends, who are supposed to be there to greet you.

Sorry, getting back to Brett. If it all goes sour for the nominee, who will replace him? Whoever it is will have to be whiter than snowy white, so white…oops, no we can’t say that now…no skeletons in the closet…can I say ‘closet’ or will that offend gays?