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YE WEST MEETS ALD TRUMP; USA NO LONGER NEEDS SENATE

Today, in a bold show of mutual modesty, President Trump swapped brains with Ye Verily West today in order to understand a) What makes Ye so god-like, b) What the hell ‘racism’ means and c) What it is like not to have to answer to nobody. For Ye, he will a) Learn how to walk stiffly, b) How to evade paying taxes and c) How to rule the world.

Before the delicate transfer operation took place (performed by Steve Martin MCD) the president planted a big, wet kiss on Ye Verily’s gorgeous, pouting lips and pronounced: “Now I know what its like to kiss Gaaahd.” Ye was heard to respond: “And now I know what it’s like to kiss Taylor Swift.”

After about an hour of frollicking around the Oval Office, playing with the toys that previous First Children had left, Trump (in Ye’s body) heralded: “I’ve taken the momentous decision to stay in this body. In it, I will do an even fantasticker job. Ye will be my right-hand hairdo and together we’ll make America even greater.” Ye (in Trump’s shell) retorted: “Over mah dead bo…your dead bo…ah hell, git me outta this m*******g piece-o’-crap lump of pasty, white flesh!”

Later the same day, Ye Trump abolished the Senate and the House of Representatives and declared Marshall Matt Dillon Law.

 

 

MAY LOSES MOJO AGAIN.

Sadly, after the Health Secretary Matt Hancock announced the discover of his beloved leader’s ‘oomph’ (“It was a brilliant speech that proves she has ‘mojo'”, the PM’s aides are now frantically searching for the missing mojo, in the hope of locating it for the auditions for the next season of Strictly Embarrassing.

Some Tory faithfuls opined that it was the best speech that Theresa May had given. Not exactly difficult was it? All of her speeches sound like they were written by a bored computer programme. I sent one to a friend who suffers from insomnia and he was cutely snoring like a little kitten within 20 seconds of listening to it. If the UK went to war and the PM were required to bolster the morale of the troops, they might as well do a ‘Singapore’ and surrender en masse. The problem is that she pronounces every word like her life depended on it: “I simply must enunciate all my words completely and absolutely correctly. I cannot be heard to drop an ‘h’ or an ‘n’.” Is she really an ex-Cockney who underwent a posh makeover?

“I say no”, “the best deal for Britain”, “Jeremy Corbyn is really a 90-year old SS prison guard from Buchenwald”. Seriously? Jeremy Corbyn is anti-semitic? May has joined all the other leaders who pee their pants at the thought of criticising Israel for the treatment of the Palestinians, who live in a prision called the Gaza Strip. Did we hear a peep out of her over the Israelis murdering about 200 stone-throwing Palestinians at the ‘border’?

A great speech, with not a single mention of ‘Chequers’ or ‘Boris’. Yep, all her problemas are over,

TRUMP DRINKS GALLON OF BEER, SAYS SOMETHING NICE ON TWITTER THEN ORDERS INVASION OF TAIWAN

“I drink beer. I like beer. I was weened on beer. I live for beer. If I had a keg, I’d drink it in the morning, I’d drink it in the evening, all over this land…”

With shares in beer companies surging after Brett Kavanaugh eulogised/sobbed uncontrollably about the amber nectar, President Trump was overheard saying: “This beer thing has gone on too goddamed long. I’ve gotta try it. I want beer. I’m gonna be the best drunk the world has ever seen.” Reports say that the president’s aides tried to dissuade him but the Iron and Steel Prez was not for turning. They then forcibly restrained him, but Trump belied his 70 years and shrugged them off with a few ‘lucha libre’ moves that he’d learnt from Presidente-electo Andrés Manuel López Obrador (or ‘Manny Labrador’ as Trump called him).

“I want Mexican beer!” el Trumpo bellowed and thrust his coiffured head into an opened keg of Dos Equis. “They’re gonna called it Triple X now! I need to tweet!” Aides were taken aback at the sight of the President’s beer-soaked hair, as it now flowed, Rapunzel-like, to the floor.

“Hey Hillary, coochi-coo baby. Who luvs ya?” The tweet was removed.

“We gotta invade shumbody! An’ I don’t mean some little, tinpot banana repu…rebu…plic like Panama or Pakistan. Let’s go fer the big one…China! Invade one o’ their islands they built in the…ahh..wazzername ah that ocean?” And he stabbed a short, chubby digit into the map.

 

 

SPECIAL PURPOSE VEHICLE RUNS OVER EU LEADERS ON FIRST OUTING

In 1930, one of the dignitaries present at the opening of the Liverpool and Manchester Railway, the MP and ex-Secretary of State for War and the Colonies (try getting away with that title nowadays), William Huskisson, was run over by Stephenson’s Rocket and died later of his injuries.

Don’t get me wrong; “runs over” is purely metaphorical, the reason being that this Special Purpose Vehicle isn’t actually a vehicle with wheels – it’s a mechanism to get around the trade sanctions imposed on Iran by the Leader of the Free (Trade) World, President Donald Trump. The EU Foreign Policy Head, Federica Mogherini. declared:

“EU member states will set up a legal entity [the SPV] to facilitate legitimate financial transactions with Iran and this will allow European companies to continue to trade with Iran in accordance with European Union law and could be open to other partners in the world,”

Honestly, could they not have thought up a better and less confusing name? The ‘FYT’ immediately springs to mind – you can guess what the initials stand for.

HASÁN ROHANI BITCH SLAPS TRUMP WITH OCTOPUS

If only that were true, that the Supreme Leader (thought that was Diana Ross) took a live octopus to the Best President That The USA Has Ever Had, but sadly it was only a seal that slapped a kayaker round the chops with the aforementioned tentacled sea creature…yep, you read that correctly, a seal…a real one and not a Navy SEAL. Incidentally, judging by how many guys now claim to be ex-Navy SEALS, they must make up about half of the US armed forces.

And speaking of all things supreme, here is tomorrow’s headline today:

KEVIN SPACEY ACCUSES SUPREME COURT NOMINEE BRETT KANANAUGH OF NOT SEXUALLY ASSAULTING HIM

Now the first accusation of groping a young lady when young and drunk could be dismissed as “Ah, haven’t we all done that” but with one accusation comes another…it’s a bit like consulting the Akashic record when you die; you see all your life passing in front of your eyes…if you still have eyes when you’re dead, of course. That’s an interesting question, is it not? If your soul shuffles off its mortal coil and heads off to The Other Side, what does the soul look like? Does it still have a human form? Or are we just blobs of light? If that’s the case, you’re going to have a hard job recognising your family and friends, who are supposed to be there to greet you.

Sorry, getting back to Brett. If it all goes sour for the nominee, who will replace him? Whoever it is will have to be whiter than snowy white, so white…oops, no we can’t say that now…no skeletons in the closet…can I say ‘closet’ or will that offend gays?