A different world order is being mooted for us after the coronavirus has been given a good thrashing and sent to bed without any dinner. This one will see us treating the planet in a much kinder, less consuming and materialisitc way. After all, we survived without jumping into our cars to drive 3 blocks for a pizza, so why not carry on with that? And look, the price of gas/petrol has dropped because of the lack of demand; great! Let’s keep that one going.

We have seen how the planet has recovered without the usual human onslaught. Nature soon returns to reclaim the constructed world; wild boar roaming the streets of Venice, dolphins frollicking in the Trevi Fountain, deer strolling along Pall Mall, Godzilla not destroying a Japanese city. After the lockdown is over, will we continue with this? Will we show more restraint to our beleaguered planet, the one that we need for our surviaval? Like hell we will. A few might, but the vast majority will simply do what we were doing before and the poor, old natural world can just go and suck on an exhaust pipe. Come on, admit it; if you have the money, you’ll embark on an orgy of excessive consumption. Spend, spend, SPEND and party like it’s 1999!

So, the cycle will continue and then something else will occur to cull some of the population, because that’s what it comes down to. No matter how many wars we have, or how pandemics or natural disasters thin us out, every second the world has 3 or 4 more mouths to feed and to provide with a car on their 17th birthday. The car might well be electric, but extracting the lithium causes untold damage to the environment and disposing of the big battery after 100,000 miles will sink the planet in an overwhelming morass of yet more toxic waste.

No matter how much we reduce our carbon or lithium footprint, it won’t be enough. It can never be enough as long as the aim of every country in the world is economic growth, becaause economic growth means producing and selling more and more things, the majority of which we simply don’t need.

What can we do? We’re screwed, aren’t we? Yep, unless we do the unthinkable and get rid of money. “What? Are you nutz? How can we possible get rid of money? It’s what makes the world go around, isn’t it? How would we buy things? How…err, what would our jobs be for? What would we get for working? It’s…not, it just cannot happen. It cannot be done!” But could it? Yes, the invention of money a few milennia ago made perfect sense. It alleviated the need to take your 2 cows to market to barter them for 20 sacks of grain. A great idea, yes? Well, up to a point. When it became apparent that everything and everyone now had a monetary value, all it took to assume power was to grab the lion’s share of the money. So, the upper echelons society could now be fabulously privileged and establish themselves as kings and emperors, convincing us of the Great Lie that they were ordained by God to rule over us, which justified them taking control over the land and giving huge tracts of it to the people who would maintain them in their positions of power; the gentry and the clergy, the latter keeping us in our place by propogating the lie that we are not actually equal, that God controls our every action and that He moves in mysterious ways. These ways may be ludicrous and malevolantly violent but we simply must accept them.

Then the small group of French knights came along and invented a system whereby you could get a letter of credit, or a cheque, to cash in when the wealthy pilgrim made it to the Holy Land and get the necessary funds. A banking system. With that, the sky was the limit, or rather that there was simply no limit. Then, the very bankers who ran the system gave themselves the ability to lend out 10 times more money than they actually had in deposits so they could charge interest on absolutely nothing…well, numbers in a ledger. What a wonderful, get-rich-quick system! The filthy rich just got filthier.

So here we are in 2020, with a handful of people having more money than 50% of the world’s population and with enough spending power to make sure that everyone kowtows to their demands. And their principal demand is that we work like machines, doling out just enough money to buy the things that they have brainwashed us into believing that we need. They establish laws to make sure we are kept in line, rewarding the people who directly control us; i.e. the judges, lawyers, top policemen, politicians, etc. with enough baubles to assure their allegiance. They have created nations to give us the idea that we are all in it together, so that we obey en masse as obeying is all for the national good, so that we pay taxes for them so that they can play around with this huge chunk of money, so that when a war is called for, enough of us swallow the nationalistic line and go and die or get horribly maimed or psychologically crippled in the defence of ‘freedom’.

A secondary school Economics student could have seen the 2008 financial crisis coming, so why couldn’t highly-paid economists, financial analysts and bankers see it? They ignored it because they were making too much money from it.  That crisis destroyed many people’s lives but,for the hugely wealthy, it was an opportunity to become even wealthier. It should have taught us that we cannot continue to live under a system that can be so easily manipulated by a few extraordinarily rich people/family dynasties. The coronavirus pandemic, whether it is real or not, whether it was created in a Chinese lab or not, whether it really has killed so many people or not, should ram that basic truth home to us. Do you honestly think that it was necessary to close so many small businesses when Amazon had to hire 10,000 staff in order to meet demand? Now it is for us to decide if we want to continue being dangled like pathetic, little puppets, scrabbling around in the dirt for the scraps from the table, or whether we want to be a true community with the common interest taking precedent over personal greed.

It can be done, not by violent revolution as that only throws up leaders who will be financed and controlled by the same elite. It needs a revolution in our way of thinking; not to be led like lambs to the slaughter. If you really think that it cannot be done, then read about the Venus Project. As the saying goes, man is only limited by the power of his imagination, so imagine a world where people work for what is necessary, for what can give us all a decent standard of living. Crime exists because the dominant factor in the world is money and the need and greed for it. A utopian world could exist if enough people want it and strive to make it happen, but money must go…with it, the cycle of poverty, wars, slavery and crime will just go on and on, until the world simply has enough and wipes a large part of humanity off the face of it. The world needs a revolution of the present system that places the material far above the spiritual…a human revolution as it has been termed.

 

 

The elegaic ‘The Last Waltz’, the raw, chopped liver slice-of-Little Italy-life ‘Mean Streets’, the shocking, bloodied-finger-to-the-temple Taxi Driver, the agonising scream that is ‘After Hours’, the unsettling, underrated and influential ‘King of Comedy’, the cinematic masterpiece that is ‘Raging Bull’, the ferocious, shoe-shine boxly watchable ‘Goodfellas’, the Paul Newmanesque ‘Color of Money’, the glitzy, underbelly glory that is ‘Casino’, the immense ‘Gangs of New York’ the slightly deteriorating but slam dunkingly watchable ‘Wolf of Wall Street’…what the friggin’ hell happened Marty? Eh? Whaddya nutz? Whyddya wanna make a mook ova movie? Gathering the acting clan together again may have been sound on paper, but digitally youthing their faces was a monumental mistake, especally as you inexplicably ignored the fact that their body movements were those of doddery pensioners. De Niro staggered his way through the movie like a Thunderbirds puppet, and that shop owner went down like a professional footballer when the House Painter barely touched him with a stilted, slow-motion jab. The scene was risable and blew a large, credibility hole in the movie. Joe Pesci…well, he hasn’t aged well, has he? As a young man in the movie, he looked old, craggy and saggy and, as a old man, he looked like a fossil. Al Pacino? Maybe I was too influenced by seeing Jack Nicholson in the role, but Al just didn’t cut the Jimmy Hoffa mustard for me. Surely a different actor would have been better, maybe Stephen Graham, who actually looks more like Hoffa than Pacino. The real Hoffa came across as a bustling, little bundle of energy, but Pacino looked like he was in need of a retirement community in Florida. And Harvey Keitel’s role; too short and too pointless.

As to the actual movie, it was a yawning trip down memory lane, a rehashed flashbacker that simply reminded us how old the actors were. Again, we saw a bunch of thugs doing thuggish things, but unlike the tasty triumvirate in Goodfellas, there was no humour in anything they did, no memorable scenes that will go down in move folklore and no sparkling dialogue. The look of the film was fine; something that Scorcese has always done magnificently well, but the whole thing moved along like a clapped-out, old banger, getting to the finish line in three and a half hours, when two and a half would have been so much better. How many wives’ smoke stops did we have to witness to get the point? It had about as much life as…well, Joe Pesci. Surely, Marty, there was a whole host of actors that you could have considered for the younger versions instead of digitalising the usual suspects. Look what De Niro did for Godfather II.

What I found incredible about the reviews is that, by and large, they were good. There were criticisms of the digital faces, but they simply lauded el Maestro Marty, as if it were sacrilegious to adversely criticise his work. Even the choice of music was predictable and unimaginitive where, normally, it’s a standout aspect of this films.

The one redeeming feature was Ray Romano; he actually came across as being human. Why haven’t other directors recognised his talents? Maybe one of the Mexican wave of directors could give him a movie to star in. And maybe Marty could take a look at the films that have been made by del Toro, Iñárritu and Cuarón over the past few years to boost his sadly flagging creativity. Or he could just retire.

 

 

 

Let’s try something here. Now, lie back and relax, starting from your toes, moving up through your feet and ankles, now your calves and thighs…everything relaxed, no stress, no tension. Now let that warm, soothing feeling rise up through your tummy and your chest and down through your arms and hands, Your neck and shoulders are being bathed in a amber glow of Lindt chocolate smoothness. Your head is floating in a pool of honeyed manna. You are still; you are calm; the world has quietened down and come to a gentle halt.

Now, wake the f*** up and smell the maple nut crunch!! Barely is the General Election done and dusted and, if I may say so, why all the great shock about Labour’s abject performance at the polls? A) it was already predicted in opinion polls and B) Jeremy Corbyn. Many in the party were blaming him for the debacle but come on – you knew that he was unpopular with voters so why did you not ditch the Islington Left of Leninist, who, as PM, would have nationalised the nation in its entirety, had the Royal Family summarily executed at Ekaterinborough and ordered their corgis donated for pit bull training.

So, what is the first thing that Boris the Bounder does after his stonking victory? He goes and bollocks it all up by announcing that there will be no extension to the transitional period and the UK will detach itself completely from the Europä Überstomperabteilung, come what may, by the 31st December 2020. Oh Boris, why, why, WHY? You don’t have to put all that enormous pressure on the trade deal negotiators. The important thing is not just to leave the EU but to do so with deal that will be of the maximum benefit to the UK economy. So many small business depend on trade with the EU countries and if they have to pay tariffs and go through the customs rigmarole, this will make them less attractive/more costly for EU companies. What the hell difference does it make if it’s the end of December 2020 or the end of April 2021? More than 4 years after the referendum, would a few of months more really hurt? After all that has happened; the endless arguments, debates, votes, wranglings, deals, court cases, Bercows, DUPs, SNPs, LibDems, Rees-Moggs…we will still be at the Gates of the Dreaded No-Deal, something that, allegedly, no-one wants…or do they? If it’s such a terrible scenario, why in God’s name is Boris ready, willing and able to risk it when it’s simply not necessary?

You may be familiar with a video that was circulating, accusing Nigel Farage of playing down the chances of the leave vote winning, leading up to the referendum, in order that his chums in the City could make a killing in the futures and currency exchange markets when the results of the referendum were announced. Strike a chord? The pound leapt like a spawing salmon on the news of Boris’ landslide victory and then slumped like a losing FA Cup finalist on the news of the no extension. So, you can bet your bottom dollar/pound/euro/bitcoin that a chunk of ex-public schoolpersons/ex-barrow boys made enough on that little currency blip to pay for their Pimms for the next decade.

Boris is giving his negotiating team about a year to come up with a free trade deal. More than enough time, you may be thinking, but let’s have a gander at the much-mentioned Canada deal that was signed with the EU. It began at a study that was released in 2008 and negotiations started in 2009; an agreement in principle was signed in 2013 and negotiations concluded in 2014. The trade agreement was officially presented in 2014 and then the business of the final wording and translation into the different languages of the EU was inititated, with some parts of the agreement being provisionally implemented only in 2017; 8 years from negotiations to partial implementation. Remember that this agreement covers goods, not services and what makes up the majority of the UK’s commercial dealings? The services industries.

So, a comprehensive trade deal all agreed upon, signed and implemented in a year between the UK and the EU? Maybe, if they work on it at light-year speed, 24/7 with no time off for good behaviour, but it’s still a virtually impossible ask. Trade deals are complicated to put it mildly and while the EU wants a deal with the UK, certain conditions will be sacrosanct. The EU and every country knows full well that Boris is gagging to sign a trade deal and, therefore, has no ‘hand’ – he will blather on about Britain being great and a world leader in…something, and being…well, British, but everyone knows that, although the UK is a pretty wealthy country in general with aging nukes, its overall influence in the world is minimal.

If Boris is so intent on making it really tough to agree a trade deal with the EU in the time allowes, is it that he is really angling for a trade deal with the USA and other countries instead of the EU? A NAFTA, with the A for ‘Atlantic’ instead of ‘American’? Trump has already made it clear that a deal with the EU, and all its restrictions, would damage the chances of a comprehensive deal with the USA. Or Boris could simply be hanging the threat of a no or limited deal over the EU in the hope of a bargaining chip for giving the UK as favourable deal as possible in the very limited time-frame. Dangerous Boris, very dangerous. Playing chicken with a juggernaut when you are driving a Nissan Micro is pretty dumb. If things don’t work out as planned, it could all blow up in your pasty, rotund boat race and you’ll be left with a lot of egg on it….and the UK in the doggie doo-doo.

 

 

 

 

In a capricious show of gross overreaction today, the Battle Group Mean Muthafucka, lead by the aircraft carrier USS Big Bad Sonofabitch, steamed into UK territorial waters, or more specifically, the poorly combined clothing side of the English Channel, blockading the comatose coastal town of Dontlikeit Upham and causing panic amongst the local populace, who reacted by pausing for half a mo in between sips of tea.

Lord High Protector and Witchfinder General of the Free World (sic), President Ronald McDonald Trump had ordered the battle group to the UK in order to bring to heel the once-but-no-longer meek n’ mild sleeping partner in the cosy, ring-around-a-rosy special relationship that had existed since various powerful Masonic lodges decided to create the Good Ol’ US of A. This was in response to the Queen ordering Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett Johnson sent to the Tower for telling porky pies to Ma’am about the proroguing of Parliament.

Bonfires were lit along the south coast of England and, upon seeing them, the commander of the US Marine Rapid Slaughter of Innocent Civilians Response Force, Major-General George Armstrong Cowardy Custer VI, was heard to exclaim: “Well shuck ma britches. Let’s go massacre some injuns!”

Fearful of a counterattack by the elite British STS (Special Tea Service), the US War Cabinet had been whisked off to their underground bunker in the top secret location of Turdsville, Ohio (1/12th scale model available on Amazon for $49.99) and an emergency session was convened, the classified list of participants being:

Chief of Staff, Rear-Admiral (ex-Navy Baby Seal), Chuck Squarejaw McGraw

Special Advisor for Annexing the Solar System, Benjamin Netanyahoo.com

Special Advisor on Uniforms for the Armed Forces, Generalia Melania ‘Za-Za’ Trumpette

National Insecurity Advisor, John ‘Hang ‘Em High n’ Let ‘Em Dangle’ Bolton

Head of Blowing Things to Bits, Werner ‘It’s Not Exactly Rocket Science’ von Eva Braun III

Vice-President and Chief Liason with the Big Guy Upstairs, Mike ‘Saint Michael’ Pence

Secretary of State, Mike ‘Last Days of’ Pompeo.

Kim Jong-un Kardashian (Genetic Aumentation Masterace Division)

Director of the CIA, Kanye Tell Me What I’m Talking About West

Unarmed Catering Combat Coordinator, Steven ‘Lipreader’s Nightmare’ Seagal

Satan

President No-Trumps kicked off proceedings with: “We’ve just Received this Video Message from General Custard. It’s Great. Ya gonna Love it. It’s Fantastic. Play it.”

“I love the smell of freshly-bludgeoned Brits in the morning. About a mile out, I’ll put on the music. I play Beethoven’s 9th, mah boys love it. It scares the hell outta Nigel Farage. Some day this Brexit’s gonna end.”

Insecurity Advisor Bolton chipped in: “That’s great! Let’s kick some redcoat ass!”

President Trump: “You know John, you look like that Ted fella in the Movies, but with a Moustache. He’s Funny but your Moustache is Fake. You’re fired!”

John Bolton slumped off, muttering “I’m gonna have that Mark Wahlberg whacked.”

Generalia Melania chimed in: “Do ze Breeteesh still vear de redcoatz? Red iz in zis seazon. I vant to show you ze new accessoriez zat I haf designed for ze new ooniforms. Zey are sooo divine, darrlinks.”

Satan piped in with: “Our guys should wear all red. Red uniforms, red helmets, red boots, red underwear. I love red. I wear it all the time.”

Steven Seagal added: “Yerrr cnn shvve yer rdd yooonifmms whrre thrre snn dnnt shnne.”

Werner von Eva Braun III: “Vhat? Vhy doez he mumble zo much? I zink ve should launch more rrocketz right now. I love ze rocketz. Vhat beautifuul muzic zey make.”

President Trump pursed his lips and absent-mindedly wiped some dirt off his shoes with his tie: “Ok, I didn’t Understand any of That. Let’s Hear what the Director of the CIA has to say…Kanye?”

“I can improve Beethoven’s 9th. I can make it so that your ears drop off when you listen to it. I want to die with my ears attached to my head.”

“Yeah….err, thanks Kanye.” Trump rolled his eyes and pointed to his temple. “Ok, VP Mike, what’s God got to Say About all of This?”

“Well, Mr. President, He said we should all pray.”

“Pray, pray, pray…He Always says that. Hell, what do I Pay you for? You’re Fired!” Satan’s pointed ears pricked up at the mention of his abode.

Mike Pompeo remonstrated: “Mr. President, you’re can’t fire the VP. There’d be no-one to replace you in case of…”

President Trump: “Replace me? That No-body Pence? I am Trump. I am unplace…I am irrripla…I am…what’s the word? I am Fantastic. I’m Appointing Myself VP…as well as the P…I’ll be the VPP…or the PVP. I need to Take a Pee.”

Pompeo persisted: “But Mr. P…”

Trump: “And now that I’ve got Two Jobs, you can Have two, too…”

Generalia Melania: “A tu-tu? I loffe ze ballet.”

Trump: “…you’re now Insecurity Advisor too. No extra Pay though.

Pompeo: “But Mr….ermm VPP, that’s not fair…”

Trump: “Not fair? You’re fired too! Where’s Ivanka? Get me Ivanka now! She can Do 18 Jobs at the same time. She’s a Trump.”

Kim Jong-un Kardashian woke up at this point and said to the VPP in a bored, languid voice: “I dreamt that we opened a tie shop together.”

Trump turned to Benjamin Netanyahoo.com with an exasperated look on his face and asked him: “Should we Annex the UK? I could Turn it into a one big Golf Resort.”

Netanyahoo.com opined: “A fine idea, Mr. VPP. And an offshore tax haven. And we’ll make the Isle of Wight into a refugee camp. After I’ve finished annexing Jupiter, I’ll get right on it.”

Trump: “The Isle of Wight? That sounds Racist and I haven’t got a Racist bone in my Body. Change it to the Isle of Trump. You’re the best Ben. You’re a Great Guy. I wanna Kiss you.”

Chuck Squarejaw McGraw was hopping around impatiently: “Can I kill something now, Mr. President…please, pretty please?”

“Mercosur” – what the hell is that? A new shopping mall on the south side of town? That crazy new dance invented by Angela Merkel…”for goodness sakes, she’s got the hippy, hippy shakes…”? Sorry Angela, but when you wear exactly the same kind of suit for 20 years, you’re fair game. Have a tot of schnapps, poppet; that’ll calm your nerves. But seriously, Angie baby, if your health is suffering (it must be pretty stressful being a world leader) then quit now instead of whenever you are going to quit. Enjoy life, buy some new dresses, take English classes, go backpacking in Botswana…

Mercosur is a bloc of South American nations; Argentina, Uruguay, Brazil and Paraguay and, with perfect timing, this bloc has just agreed a free trade deal with the EU, a deal that will open up a market for goods and services for 800 million people. Great news, wonderful glad tidings for all…except the UK of course, which is surely ruing now the decision to leave the EU, especially after this august and completely democratic organisation signed a similar agreement with Japan last year (but only affecting a mere 600 million souls and a third of the world’s GDP). But we don’t care about all that, do we Brits? We’re stoic and unflappable and…well, British, by jove, so we’ll muddle on through and carry on regardless. Think of the war: taking shelter from those Jerry bombers; making do on an egg, half a cabbage, a teaspoon of flour and 2oz of gristle each week.  Missing out on these trade deals? Well, don’t worry; we’ll sign our own, goddamit. Just as soon as Boris the Bold and Beautiful signs dear old Blighty out of the Union of Johnny Foreigner Freeloaders and back into being a Sceptered Isle, then he can get down to the joyful business of arranging trade deals with those countless countries that are champing at the bit to sign on the dotted line….or not. That rugger-brained, tousle-haired, roister-doister Boris hardly did us proud when he was Foreign Secretary. Boris’ minister of state was given the monicker “Pooper scooper” as he was forever having to clear up his master’s mess. Boris seemed more concerned about making insulting jokes than taking the time to get clued up on the issue at hand. If you are bemused by Donald Trump’s governing by twitter, get ready for a full column of Boris’ Latin meanderings in the Telegraph.

Yes I know, Boris isn’t the Tory leader/Prime Minister yet, but his party obviously want a personality at the helm. Anyone who will stop a general election happening and the ghastly, wrist-slashing dread of Jeremy in No. 10.

Oh hang on a mo…reading a bit more about the EU/Meercosur deal…say what!? It took 20 years to negotiate. 20 bloody years?! Yer ‘avin’ a laff, aintcha? What the hell were they doing all that time? Did they stop the negotiations to head off down the pub or have a kickaround in the park and forget what time it was? Did they only negotiate for 3 minutes a day? Negotiators must have died/quit to join the Red Cross/had babies/had a sex change/retired to the Bahamas over the course of the 20-year blizzard of words. Ok, fair do’s, there were 4 Mercosur countries involved and the EU is an unwieldy, bureaucratic juggernaut, so it was bound to be slow going, but twenty friggin’ years….jeesch.

The Japan deal…if you are an EU citizen, you’ll no longer pay a 10% tariff on those reliable but rather boring vehicles that are made in the Land of the Rising Sun. It is calculated that just this will result in a 1% increase in GDP. Not bad, and with the increase in trade for the EU benefitting mainly the financial, business, telecom, transport and distribution sectors, it could be that the Chancellor of the Exchequer (whoever he/she is now) could feel that leaving the EU might not be all that great. The deal took years to negotiate and implement, by the way.

Now, let’s take the EU/Canada trade deal; it only took 9 years. Blimey O’Reilly, those negotiations fairly zipped along, didn’t they? They obviously did without the afternoon sessions down the rub-a-dub and only had the occasional kickabout/rodeo-riding/ice hockey game in the afternoons.

What does all this tell us? It doesn’t actually tell us, more screams into our ears that trade deals don’t come about overnight, or over a few months. They take years, or even decades. So whatever is being told to you now by Boris or Nigel or the guy propping up the bar with the Union Jack tattoo on his forehead, any benefits to the UK economy that result from a trade deal might not find their way into your bank or bitcoin account but into those of your kids in around ten to twenty years.

Happy Brexit.

The Right Honourable Theresa May said that she would quit if her deal was passed by the Commons. Shouldn’t she have announced her resignation if her deal WAS NOT PASSED by the Commons? If it had been passed, then surely after all the endless meetings with the 1922 Committee (for that is the year they live in), the European Research Group (who do not want to be European and do not research anything), with the DUP, with the Devil’s Unelected Advocates in Brussels, she would want to see the process through to the bitter, trainwreck end? A very strange decision; to do all the brain-frazzling donkey work to get the deal passed, only for someone else to take over and grab all the glory. There again, is it any stranger than triggering Article 50 when she did not have a clue as to the terms of a leaving deal; thereby giving all the negotiating ammunition to the EU? All the flak is being aimed at the UK, but the EU must bear its share of the blame. Regardless of all the Backstop blah blah, what right does the EU have to dictate what type of border can exist between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland when the UK will no longer be a member of the EU? That is like telling Poland what kind of border it must have with the Republic of Belarus. Furthermore, there HAS to be some measure of control that a country can exert on the amount of people coming to live in it. Yes, the existing EU countries needed people to fuel the workforce, but it’s simply ludicrous that 5 or 10 million EU citizens can go and live in another member state of the EU at a stroke. How could that country possibly deal with the influx of so many? Regardless of whether there is space, housing, jobs, etc. available, a tidal wave of immigration causes disruptions in the social fabric of society. It’s simple human nature to be resentful of this.

So now what? The deal was defeated again so we must assume that the lady is not for turning. She has just announced that she will ask for another extension until the 12th of May….might as well be the 12th of Never.

Will there be a leadership contest? Doubtful, but the runners and riders are already being bet on. Michael Gove, a likely candidate for the top slot, replied to a question about being a contender in 2012: “I’m constitutionally incapable of it. There’s a special extra quality you need that is indefinable, and I know I don’t have it. There’s an equanimity, an impermeability and a courage that you need. There are some things in life you know it’s better not to try.” Well, Michael, you did try. Maybe Gove genuinely meant what he said, but when the opportunity came, he turned into Bestial Bilbo Baggins as he sees the Ring around Frodo’s neck.

Another obvious favourite (wearing blinkers) is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. A lovely little twist in all this is that Gove worked on the Channel 4 programme ‘A Stab in the Dark’; Boris Johnson will know all about that after he played Caesar to Gove’s Brutus on the day the latter was due to announce his candidacy; only in the case of Boris, the stab was in broad daylight.

Mr. Pfeffel (why on earth doesn’t he use this wonderful surname?) is very modest and self-deprecating. His paternal grandmother, Yvonne Eileen Williams (also known as ‘Granny Butter’), was a descendant of Prince Paul von Württemberg, who was a direct descendant of George II, meaning that Boisterous Boris is a relative of the Royal Family and, therefore, part of the club of inter-married royals of Europe who, as we all know, are really either alien lizards or barking mad.

When told about his regal lineage, Boris said: “If you had told me that I was related to George II, I would have thought that you were absolutely crackers – not even Granny Butter could have come up with that one.” Oh come on Boris, you big, tousle-haired fibber! I’m sure you had your valet research your family tree before you could even walk.

Returning (inexorably) to Brexit, Sir Anthony Seldon, vice-chancellor of the University of Buckingham and all-round clever bod, said: “The real essence of the problem is that the country voted to leave, but only just – another day it could have gone the other way.

“But these people here in Parliament predominantly want to stay.

“So is Britain a popular democracy, where the people decide the future, or is it these guys here, who are the representatives of the people who voted in general elections? And that’s really the nub of the problem.”

Actually, Sir Ant, that’s the conundrum of the nub of the problem. Why elect representatives of the people to make wise and knowledgable decisions if you’re simply going to ask the unwise and unknowledgeable masses to decide on something as crucially important as the UK leaving the EU? The Right Honourable members feel obliged to honour the results of a referendum even though they know full well that too many people voted for 350 million quid more for the NHS or for ‘independence’, which sounds wonderful but it’s doubtful whether, say, most Zimbabweans would tell you that they were better off since gaining theirs. You can’t pay for things with independence or sovereignty.

If Brexit has done nothing else, it has at least made the electorate more aware of what goes on in the House of Commons and, that awareness has caused a deep mistrust of the political scheming and double-dealing, based upon toeing the party line. MPs are supposedly elected to represent their constituents but that is blatantly not the case, otherwise they would not be whipped into obediance. Essentially, political parties are an anathema to true democracy – so why have them? Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan to abolish them? Some would argue that it would ‘hamstring’ the Commons, leaving it too disjointed to be able to make decisions, but that is exactly what has happened in the Commons over Brexit. Imagine it; an assembly made up of representatives with no allegiances or affiliations to a political party, free to follow the wishes of their constituents and their own experience, wisdom and expertise.

“The UK is facing an uncertain future” No, it isn’t! It’s exactly the opposite. The future of the UK is very certain – its break-up, and the House of Commons is making that happen by its myopic political manouevring and refusal to agree on anything. However, would breaking up the UK be a bad thing? By the same rationale as the UK would be better off by leaving the EU, then surely England would be better off by leaving the UK. The only thorny issue would be North Sea oil, but the Angles could come to an amicable, profit-sharing arrangement with the Scots. So, hold a referendum on leaving; what a juicy prospect, eh? Some non-Plaid Cymruites might object, but Wales could join the EU and get lots of lovely subsidies. I daresay that no PM would ever, EVER consider holding a referendum again, but with the referendum genie out of the bottle, it may not want to go back. Freedom is contagious.

Brexit has caused chaos, it has created deep divisions in society…so? Out of chaos comes order and this is a chance to take a cold, hard look at Parliament and the whole democratic and electoral system in the country. I mean, for heaven’s sake, there isn’t even enough space in the chamber for all the MPs to sit down! Traditions are fine, but they only have a certain shelf-life. The House of Lords has been labelled an anachronism in our modern, democratic age; well, the House of Commons is increasingly looking like a contender for that category. The founder of the Venus Project, Jacque Fresco, argued all his long life that it’s the experts who should be running the show; scientists in the main. They know what they’re talking about; do MPs? Taking the example of Michael Gove, he is the current Secretary of State for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. Prior to this, he was Secretary of State for Justice and before that Secretary of State for Education. Notice a pattern? I don’t. Ministers flit from one department to another, proving that they are not experts in any field in particular apart from politics. They administer money; they receive it and they spend it. Some MPs say a no-deal is best, some say a customs union, some not to leave at all; they can’t all be right. Let’s have a study (as independent as is can be) on the question of membership, setting out the pros and cons and the likely effects of all the options available for leaving or staying. Present the findings to the people and let them vote on each, with the government implementing the decision. If it takes a year and the UK has to participate in the EU Parliament elections, then so be it. This is preferable to leaving the EU based on ignorance and biased opinions. Farage and others will cry “Betrayal!!” for sure, but ruining the economy and, along with it, the lives of millions of citizens unnecessarily, seems to me to be the ultimate betrayal.

 

 

The Right Honourable Theresa May said that she would quit if her deal was passed by the Commons. I kept a close eye on the media and I was waiting for the burning question to be asked; would she still resign if her deal wasn’t passed? It didn’t come. No-one asked it. It occurred to me, shouldn’t she announced her resignation if her deal WAS NOT PASSED by the Commons? If it had been passed, then surely after all the endless meetings with the 1922 Committee (for that is the year they live in), the European Research Group (who do not want to be European and do not research anything), with the DUP, with the Devil’s Unelected Advocates in Brussels, she would want to see the process through to the bitter, trainwreck end? A very strange decision; to do all the backbreaking, brain-frazzling, donkey work to get the deal passed, only for someone else to take over and grab all the glory. There again, is it any stranger than triggering Article 50 when she did not have a clue as to the terms of a leaving deal; thereby giving all the negotiating ammunition to the EU? All the flak is being aimed at the UK, but the EU must bear its share of the blame. Regardless of all the blah blah about the Backstop, what right does the EU have to dictate what type of border can exist between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland when the UK will no longer be a member of the EU? That is like telling Poland what kind of border it must have with the Republic of Belarus.

So now what? Is there going to be a leadership battle right in the middle of the Brexit impasse/faux pas? I cannot be the only person thinking that that would be an amazingly STUPID thing to happen. Just as the Right Honourable David Cameron bolted from his mess after losing control of his own party, will Theresa May leave us and her belovéd Tories in even more cloying Brexit mud?

The runners and riders are already being bet on. Michael Gove, a likely candidate for the top slot, replied to a question about being a contender in 2012: “I’m constitutionally incapable of it. There’s a special extra quality you need that is indefinable, and I know I don’t have it. There’s an equanimity, an impermeability and a courage that you need. There are some things in life you know it’s better not to try.” Well, Michael, you did try, but here’s the catch – power is just soooooo oozingly attractive. Maybe Gove genuinely meant what he said, but when the opportunity came, he turned into Bilbo Baggins as he sees the Ring around Frodo’s neck.

Another obvious favourite (wearing blinkers) is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. A lovely little twist in all this is that Gove worked on the Channel 4 programme ‘A Stab in the Dark’; Boris Johnson will know all about that after he played Caesar to Gove’s Brutus on the day the latter was due to announce his candidacy; only in the case of Boris, the stab was in broad daylight.

Mr. Pfeffel (why on earth doesn’t he use this surname?) is very modest and self-deprecating. His paternal grandmother, Yvonne Eileen Williams (also known as ‘Granny Butter’), was a descendant of Prince Paul von Württemberg, who was a direct descendant of George II, meaning that Boisterous Boris is a relative of the Royal Family and, therefore, part of the club of inter-married royals of Europe who, as we all know, are really either alien lizards or barking mad.

When told about his regal lineage, Boris said: “If you had told me that I was related to George II, I would have thought that you were absolutely crackers – not even Granny Butter could have come up with that one.” Oh come on Boris, you big, tousle-haired fibber! I’m sure you had your valet research your family tree before you could even walk.

Returning (inexorably) to Brexit, Sir Anthony Seldon, vice-chancellor of the University of Buckingham and all-round clever bod, said: “The real essence of the problem is that the country voted to leave, but only just – another day it could have gone the other way.

“But these people here in Parliament predominantly want to stay.

“So is Britain a popular democracy, where the people decide the future, or is it these guys here, who are the representatives of the people who voted in general elections? And that’s really the nub of the problem.”

Exactly, Sir Ant, you’ve hit the nub on the head. Why elect representatives of the people to make wise and knowledgable decisions if you’re simply going to ask the unwise and unknowledgeable masses to decide on something as crucial as the UK leaving the EU? And that’s another nub, that no-one is man or woman enough to come out and say it; that at least 50% of the UK electorate are too ignorant and selfish to have a say in deciding the collective good of the nation. Giving all and sundry the vote is like asking a car mechanic how to best solve a global financial crisis.

If Brexit has done nothing else, the electorate is now more aware of the political scheming and double-dealing that goes on in the House of Commons, and it doesn’t like it. Essentially, a political party is an anathema to true democracy, simply because MPs are pressured and whipped into toeing the party line. Brexit has modified that, even creating a new party and, just maybe, even more parties will emerge. But, why have political parties at all? How would abolishing them change things in Parliament? Would it ‘hamstring’ the assembly, leaving it too disjointed to be able to take decisions? Well, that is exactly what has happened with Brexit; the majority voted to leave but the majority of MPs wanted to remain. The members feel obliged to honour the results of a referendum even though they know full well that too many people voted for 350 quid more for the NHS or for ‘independence’. Sounds great (‘Freedom’ sounds even better – ask Mel Gibson), but it’s doubtful whether most Zimbabweans would say that they were better off since gaining their independence.

“The UK is facing an uncertain future” No, it isn’t! It’s exactly the opposite. The future of the UK is very certain…its break-up, and the House of Commons is making that happen by its myopic political manouevring and refusal to agree on anything. However, would breaking up the UK be a bad thing? By the same rationale as the UK would be better off by leaving the EU leaving the EU, then surely England would be better off by leaving the UK. The only thorny issue would be North Sea oil, but the Angles could come to an amicable arrangement with the Scots. So, hold a referendum on leaving; what a juicy prospect. Some non-Plaid Cymruites might object, but Wales could join the EU and get lots of lovely subsidies. I daresay that no PM would ever, EVER consider holding a referendum again, but with the referendum genie out of the bottle, it may not want to go back. Freedom is contagious.

Brexit has caused chaos, it has created deep divisions in society…so? Out of chaos comes order and this is a chance to take a cold, hard look at Parliament and the whole democratic and electoral system in the country. I mean, for heaven’s sake, there isn’t even enough space in the chamber for all the MPs to sit down! Traditions are fine, but they only have a certain shelf-life. The House of Lords has been labelled an anachronism in our modern, democratic age; well, the House of Commons is increasingly looking like a contender for that category.

 

We’re all democrats, aren’t we? Goddammit, even Republicans are democrats (with a small ‘d’). We all believe in democracy, don’t we? We believe that it’s a basic right for more-or-less anyone over the age of 18 who isn’t mentally deranged to be able to vote in a political election…or even a referendum, don’t we? Hell, the Aussies made it compulsory to vote…but is that democratic? Should someone be forced to vote? No, not in my book. I don’t believe that eveyone should be made to vote as I don’t believe that everyone should be ABLE to vote. That’s right; I’m not a democrat; at least not an enfranchise-the-hell-outta-everybody democrat. You don’t agree with me? Screw you, it’s my democratic right to say that I don’t agree with a free-for-all style of democracy.

Here’s a simple test: ask everyone you know what the word ‘enfranchise’ means? If they reply that it’s to run a retail outlet under licence, then bingo! They should be disenfranchised on the spot. If they just shrug their shoulders and say “I dunno”, they should be shot on the spot.

“But democracy is ingrained in us.” Is it? You are told what to do by your parents, your big sister/brother, by your teachers, your bosses, your missus (if you’re a husband), by police officers, judges, security guards, dinner ladies, bullies, TV executives and ad agencies…it never ends. The fact is that we look for leaders; someone to take charge when the poop hits the fan and generally the person we obey is the one who speaks in a steady, confident voice and, therefore, must know what the hell they are talking about.

The Brexit referendum/debate/argument/utter friggin’ mess has thrown up one glaringly obvious fact: that you do not ask the opinion of a person who knows diddly squat about anything apart from how much each of Kim Kardashian’s buttocks weigh or what model of Range Rover Dele Alli drives or the easiest ways to kill a Pit Bull. When a person applies for citizenship for a country, what happens? There is a test to pass. It’s not difficult. It’s comprised of a few basic questions about that particular country and its history. Introduce something similar for people who want to vote; for example:

What do the initials ‘MP’ stand for? What is a ‘constituency’? What’s the difference between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland? Explain the fluctuations in the currency and futures markets after an interest rate rise. Easy.

That’ll get rid of at least 50% of the lamearse, dimwit population. No, I shouldn’t say that. They’re not dim. They just don’t give a toss. They don’t want to know so, thus, they don’t know. And, their opinion/vote is worthless.

What about politicians? Yeah, get rid of some of them too. What purpose do they serve? They are elected to represent their constituents. Do they do that? No, they represent their party and its leaders. I watched some of PM’s Question Time last week and the poor, beleagured, diction-trained Theresa was asked the same bloody question about 15 times. Why? What difference did it make? Was anything resolved? No. Was the topic discussed any further? No. It was just the same question with the same answer. I imagine it was so the MPs could get their pasty faces on telly to justify their silly salary/expense accounts. Then, an MP stood up and asked the PM to commend a chap who had been a bell-ringer in his constituency since medieval times. What? A deeply divided nation is on the verge of a constitutional and economic catastrophe and all we get is a shambling charade that served no useful purpose whatsoever.

A question; where is David Cameron? Is he alive? Has he shaved his head and gone off to a Hari Krishna retreat? If ever there was a politician who monumentally cocked up, twas he. And I don’t care whether you want to leave or to remain, that guy plunged the UK over the abyss and into the yawning chasm of fire.

Oh yeah, by the way, it’s a hard, yes, it’s a hard, yes it’s a so, so, so, so hard…yes, it’s a Hard Brexit that’s gonna fa-a-a-a-fall.

 

In a shock, but not wholly unexpected, move today, President Trump removed himself from office. When asked why he had taken this drastic measure, he replied: “Vladimir Putin said that I should keep on firing people. I’ve fired everyone else, including Mike Pence and the White House cleaners last week. The White House is pretty big, you know, and having to clean it myself left me no time to watch Nickelodeon Kids and I don’t like to miss Paw Patrol. It’s been my inspiration for so many of my amazing presidential decisions. Also, I’ve learned some big words, like…errr…inspiration. I think that firing myself is a tremendous decision and it will give me more time to work on my swing and my tan.”

A CNN reporter asked him if his fan was fake. “That’s a fake question. You can’t ask questions like that. I’m the President of the United States. You’re a disgrace. You’re fired!”

Asked by a Washington Post reporter why he used so many capital letters when it wasn’t necessary, Trump exploded: “You work for a Fake Newspaper! I was German in a former Life! You’re fired!”

An inflatable, fake Fox News reporter pointed out: “But you fired yourself, Mr….err, ex-President.”

“Well honeybunch, I can see that my fake country needs me, so I’m re-instating myself. I’m back. Better than ever. A true statesman. A true Sex God. I am Trump.”

 

 

In an unprecedented show of complete and utter clarity today, an unnamed man, purporting to be an emperor and not wearing a stitch of clothing, stunned everyone involved in the Brexit process by declaring, in a thick Belfast accent: “Why the hell can’t there be a hard border between Northern Ireland and the Republic?”

Upon hearing this, some Euro MPs were seen to tear their hair and rend their clothes, while the MP for Little Istanbulstein-on-the-Wold and Chipping Sudetenland fainted on the spot and had to be revived with a promise of a 50% increase in personal expenses.

Jacques Cheroaque, EU Minister for Autobahns, Duty Free Fags and Wandering Minstrels, was heard to exclaim: “This man is not an emperor; he’s a god. I will renounce my position with immediate effect and follow him around like a King Charles Spaniel puppy.” However, The Right Dishonourable James St. John FitzAnstarts, UK Minister for Rejecting All Brexit Proposals, could be heard to grumble: “What gives this loony the right to make sense? He’s a threat to public safety and must be deported to the Colonies…or Scotland.”

On the Sceptred Isle, reaction was swift, with the Irish T-Shirt demanding talks “some time in the future” with Theresa May, suggesting the meeting place as: “A nice little spot on the banks of the River Boyne, just outside Drogheda.” The UK PM was asked to express an emotion, but she declined, merely saying: “I will be talking with this naked emperor soon in order to get the best possible deal for my clothes designer.”

The Rumanian president, whose name cannot be uttered, chipped in: “This is a stake in the heart for the European Union.”