PM Sir Keir Stammerer: Rachel, darling, have you seen what John Major has been saying about re-joining the EU? Billions we’re losing, billions.

Rachel ‘Border’ Reever: Ah’ve binn saying same bloody thing fa’ years now.

Sir Keir: Why are you speaking in a Yorkshire accent? You’re a Londoner.

Reever: Aye lad, but ah’m member o’ parliament fa’ Leeds West n’ Poodsey, thy knows.

Sir Keir: Ah, I see. Pudsey…yes, I thought that was in London, by the Thames. Any road up, lass, what do you think?

Peter Kyle: I’m up for it.

Reever: We know tha’ lad, boot what d’ya think aboot the E bloody U?

Kyle: As Secretary of State for Business and Trade, I can only see benefits for the country and my business.

Sir Keir: Yes, ok but what about all the Farage supporters? They’d lynch us if we tried to re-join.

David Lame Me: Call a referendum, PM. The polls say that the people would vote in favour. But, just in case, this time we manipulate them.

Reever: If we get back in, yer can blame all t’problems on the bloody oonelected Eurocraats, lad.

Kyle: We might have to adopt the Euro, Sir PM.

Lame Me: We could call it the ‘Europound’.

Sir Keir: Hmm, yes, I like that.

Reever: The way t’ economy is going, the chuffin’ pound will soon be worth same as the euro anyway.

Sir Keir: Good point, Rachel. We still need to get rid of Nigel, though. Any thoughts?

Lame Me: Simple pimple, Sir K. We AI the hell out of Facebook with Farquar Farage and Putin in bed with each other.

Sir Keir: They’re gay?

Lame Me: No, not like that…well, maybe…no, I mean corruption, taking kickbacks when he was an MEP, undermining Ukraine, the house purchase thing, member of the Hitler Youth, you know, that sort of stuff.

Reever: A Reform grooming gang!

Sir Keir: Perfecto! Tell Shabananarama to get on it right away. I’ll be lauded for making Britain great again.

Pat My Fadden: Small business will need sla…cheap labour so we can get the illegal migrants to do that.

Lame Me: But they’re not allowed to work.

My Fadden: We give ’em the choice; work or you’re back to where you came from.

Lame Me: But that’s illegal.

Mt Fadden: They’re illegal! 2 illegals make a legal.

Sir Keir: Hang on, I’m a lawyer…err, yeah that sounds about right. Tell Shabananarama to get on it right away. Oh happy days are here again, the skies above are clear again…

MacTrump: Hey Pete, what’s this about an Exploding Sandwich that penetrates Body Armor? We need it and we need it Fast before the Chinks get Their grubby little Mitts on it.

Pete ‘Happy Hour Starts at 10am’ Hegseth (it’s now 11am and his hands are beginning to tremble): I…I can’t really tell you anything…forgive me, Mr. Wonderful, an exploding sandwich?

MacTrump: You don’t Watch the News? If the Russkis get their Handskis on it, they’ll Make it into A Supersonic Sandwich in Two Shakes of a Bear’s tail.

Pete (thinking) Do bears have tails? (Speaking): I’ll get on it right away, Supreme Commander. You say it penetrates body armor? That’s…err, a little dificult to believe…

Stephen ‘Nosferatu’ Miller: If His Magnificence says that it pentrates body armor, then you can be sure that it does. By the way, Exalted Leader, congratulations on breaking the course record the other day. Wonderful stuff.

Mac Trump (thinking and saying at the same time): Did I play golf the other day?

Miller: Yes, when you were in Japan.

MacTrump: Was I in Japan? I Remember a lot of Short, Slitty-eyed people. I Broke the Course Record? Well, I Guess I must’ve Done. I usually Do. Actually, I’m thinking of Joining the Seniors Circuit when I’m Done ending Wars and Making the World Great Again.

JD Vance (his eyes lighting up); Does that mean Your Highness doesn’t intend to run again?

Miller: Oh please, Prophet of the One True God, says it ain’t so. The Universe needs you.

MacTrump: I Didn’t say that, did I? I’ll Have to Hang up my Sharpie one Day but…

Marco ‘Polo’ Rubio: There is the…err…little matter of the Constitution, sir…

Miller: How dare you interrupt His Gloriness!

Rubio visibly shrinks under the scowling glare of the President.

Rubio: I didn’t mean to cut you short, Mr. President. I was merely…

MacTrump: I know What you were Doing, Marco.

JD Vance sniggers inwardly, thinking: That’s one rival out of the race.

At the same moment, all the cell phones in the room start pinging.

Pete: Oh my God! Pelosi’s going!

MacTrump: Nancy? That Sweet Piece of Witchy Ass is going where?

JD Vance: She’s quitting. She’s leaving Congress

MacTrump: If only She was Seventy Years Younger. Ah, Nancy with the Laughing Face.

All look at each other, waiting for someone else to say something.

Netan@yahoo: How did the praying go?

Atamar Ben-Gvir (formerly an East End barrow boy): It was mutton, bruv. I really messed wiv their ‘eads.

Net: That you did, At Man. Any actual praying?

BG: Oh sure: I prayed really like fervently that all the Palestinians would vanish off the face o’ the earth.

Net: Like that film about all the Mexicans in California who suddenly disappear.

BG: Oh yeah…and there ain’t no-one to clean the houses n’ tend the gardens n’ stuff.

Net: Yeah, we might have to think about that.

BG: Anyway, what’s ‘appenin’ wiv King Couiffure? He’s been dissin’ us lately. What’sat all about?

Net: It’s all show. He’s the PR man.

BG: Maybe, but all this recognition of Palestine malarkey is gettin’ well out of ‘and, bruv.

Net: We can ride out the storm. Although a 9/11 would come in right handy right now.

BG: That’s a bit dodgy, innit? People might put two n’ two togevvah.

Net: Nothing big. Maybe kill an ambassador, like in Libya.

BG: Yep, that could work. Maybe in London. That’d bring Starmer to heel. He’s been bang outta order of late.

Net: Or Paris. After all, we did help Macron get elected. Short memory, that fella.

BG: Yeah, do ‘is missus. She gives me the willies.

Net: Why?

BG: Y’know, she don’t look real. It’s like she’s somethin’ outta Men in Black. Her face is gonna peel back an’ a little alien’s gonna pop out. Y’know wha’ I mean?

Net: Nah, we can’t do his wife. That’s a bit OTT. That’s got to be a wig though, hasn’t it?

BG: Yeah, for sure that’s a syrup. It never changes.

Net: D’you reckon she was a man?

BG: Dunno; indeterminate, I’d say. The face ain’t real, man. It’s sculpted. ‘Ere, why don’t we organise somefin’ fer a few Euro countries, y’know? Get ‘em all back on our side.

Net: Not a bad idea, At. Anyway, getting back to Gaza; have you bought up any land yet? You wanna get in quick before all the best bits get snapped up.

BG: Yeah, I got me mince pies on a nice bit o’ beachfront property, like. What d’yer fink about a casino?

Net: Ah well…hmmm…you know what a lot of the ultras think about gambling. Not completely kosher.

BG: Yeah, but it ain’t prohibited, is it? We could aim it at the goyim tourists. The ragheads can’t officially, but so what? They spend a lot o’ time in casinos in London an’ Vegas. The Big D would go for it, I’ll bet. Or his sons at least.

Net: I’ll give Jared a call.

BG: ‘Ave a word wiv the Big Man as well. I fink tha’ we’re gonna need an injection of cash soon. Y’know, to buy off these protest groups.

Net: I’ll give him a call when the sun goes down.

Pete ‘Happy Hour Starts at 10am’ Hegseth: Hi Tom, this is Secretary of Off…Defense Hegseth.

Tom ‘Usain Bolt’ Cruise: Yeah, and I’m Rip Van Winkle.

Hegseth (thinking) You’re about the same heighth. (says) Don’t you recognize my voice?

Cruise: I have to admit that it has the same whiney quality.

Hegseth: (thinking) You’re not really a Top Gun, shorty. (says) Ha ha, yes that’s me, the whiney Secretary of Defense of the USA.

Cruise: How did you get this number?

Hegseth: That’s the thing. When you’re the Secretary of Kil…Defense, you can get any number you wish.

Cruise: Or a hacker. So, presuming that you really are Pete Hegseth, what can I do for you?

Hegseth: Our Commander-in-Chief is inviting you to play golf with him this weekend at Mar-a-Lago. You do play, don’t you?

Cruise: Have you seen my movies? I do all my own stunts.

Hegseth: Even in ‘Magnolia’?

Cruise: I’ll play golf with the President as long as he agrees not to cheat. Maverick doesn’t cheat.

Hegseth (thinking) And Charlie don’t surf. (says) I’ll pass on your condition to the President but I can assure you that he doesn’t cheat. He simply likes to move things along. He hates slow play, as in everything he does.

Cruise: Indeed. And how do I get to Mar-a-Lago.

Hegseth: He’ll send Marine One for you but please, Mr. Cruise, get into the helicopter, not cling onto a wheel.

Cruise: You can have a Martini now.

MacTrump: Obliterated, I tell you, obliterated. I mean, He was standing next to me one Moment and the next He is a steaming puddle of red Goo, the Likes of which We’ve never seen before, and Will never see Again. It was Spectacular…terrible…Spectacularly terrible…you Just Had to see It with your Own eyes.

Generalia Melania Trumpette: So vy iz he on ze TV right now, Donnie wonnie, eh? For a steaming poddle of red goozy woozy, he looks very healthy.

MacTrump: Say what?

Melania: Look for yorzelf, Meester Prez.

MacTrump: Pete! Marco! Tulsi!

Melania: Zey von’t appear out of sin air, Donnie. You haf to call zem on yor phon. Tulsi Gabbadene? Vy do you vont her?

MacTrump: She’s my Head of…errm, Head of Intelligent…something…

Melania: But you say she iz incompetent. You vont to shag her, don’t you?

MacTrump: C’mon! No, of course Not. She’s not my Type. I don’t…no absolutely Not. No. Not ever. Never. No…

Melania: You lie like you play golf.

The phone rings.

MacTrump (looking relieved): Ah Pete. What the Fuck is going on? I’m looking at Benji on the TV and the Last time we Saw him, he was a Puddle of Steaming, red Goo.

Hegseth (guzzling a large Martini): It’s…incomprehensible, King Donald I. I just got off the phone with Tez Cruz and he said that Netan@yahoo has been resurrected, like…well, you-know-who.

MacTrump: You mean like Ladizlav?

Hegseth: Who? Ah no…not him…like Him, our Saviour.

MacTrump: That means I’m not the Messiah?

Melania: Oh, my God, vot a couple of clowns. It’s a doble

Hegseth thinks: How does she know that? She can’t see what I’m drinking.

MacTrump: What do You mean?

Melania: Oh Donnie, how have you made if zis far? All ze great leaders have dobles. Or trebles. Vladimir Pudding has many. You know, for ze assassinations an’ tings.

MacTrump: Why haven’t I got one? Pete, Why don’t I have a double?

Hegseth (wishing that he hadn’t called the president): I’ll get on it right away, Supreme Leader.

MacTrump: Ah Pete, that’s what They call the Aytalolollah (Melania sniggers). I like Supreme Commander. Hey, you wanna Caddy for me this Weekend? My regular Guy has been Deported.

Hegseth (thinking): Shit, I was gonna go get my bunker buster bomb tattoo. (He says): It would be a great honor, Supreme Commander.

MacTrump: Hey, get in Touch with Tom Cruise to see if He wants to be my Double.

Melania howls with laughter.

A joint MacTrump/Netan@yahoo news conference.

MacTrump: Ok, first question from Fox News

Pete: Salutations, Supreme Leader and Most Exalted Human Being.

MacTrump: Hey Pete, what are you doing here. It’s 11am already.

Pete: I had the morning off from the Defense of the USA, so Fox said that I could ask you some penetrating questions.

MacTrump: OK Pete, shoot.

Everyone in the room ducks.

Netan@yahoo: We have a jumpy audience, Don.

Hegseth: What did you have for breakfast, Commander-in-Chief of the Free World?

A groan rumbles around the room.

Netan@yahoo: I can answer that, Pete. Israel has the divine right to obliterate anyone it wishes to and anyone who disagrees with that is an anti-Semitic Holocaust denier who will burn in Gehinnon for all eternity.

A BBC reporter: Mr. President, are you willing to order a US strike on targets in Iran?

MacTrump: We’ll have to see. Nothing is…y’know, off the table, or on the table or maybe even under the table. We gotta have a look at this and come up with a way to destroy Iran without killing anybody, coz y’know, I hate wars. I don’t like wars. They’re messy and it’s hard to do business. But they can’t have a bomb. They won’t have it. We gotta make a deal. Iran’s gotta make a deal or we’ll rain down on them a biblical…y’know, thing, the likes of which no-one’s ever seen before. Who are you, by the way? Oh, you’re from the BBC. You’re a goddamed, terrorist-loving commie. Get the hell outta here!

BBC reporter: But I have a press pass for this news conference.

Netan@yahoo: Who let that baby-beheading murderer in here. Security!

Another reporter: Prime Minister, why do you assume that Iran would launch a nuclear missile at Israel as soon as it makes one?

Netan@yahoo: There is a special place in your Christian hell reserved for you.

Another reporter: You justify the attacks on Iran by saying that it is a despotic, dictatorial regime that subjugates its own people; isn’t that how Israel is acting against the Palestinians?

MacTrump: How dare you Come in here and Ask tough questions. Get him the hell outta here! Ok, I’ll take another question from Pistol Pete.

Hegseth: Mr. President, would you say that you are the best president that the US of A has ever had?

Netan@yahoo: I’ll answer that. President Trump is the Greatest Leader this country has ever had and the Greatest Friend that Israel has ever had. Even better than Oscar Schindler, and may God strike me dead if I’m lying.

A thunderous flash pierces the outside wall of the conference room and leaves a steaming red puddle of globbedy-goo where Netan@yahoo was standing.

MacTrump shakes his head and says: God’s angels are protecting me. I am the Messiah.

Hegseth kneels and says: Truly he is the Anointed One.

Vladimir Pudding (spitting fire): What the freakin’ hell is happening?! The bloody Ukes destroying a load of our bombers in far-flung parts of the country is bad enough and now this! Tell me!! How can a bunch of Mexican criminals rout a regiment of elite paratroopers?! How? Explain!

The gaggle of generals looked intently at the floor like naughty schoolboys, each one praying to all the Orthodox saints that Pudding wouldn’t fix his maniacal glare at him. No-one wanted to be the first to say something. What could they say?

Sergei Lapdog: Well, the president asked you a question. What happened?

General Slagimov (thinking to himself): You jowelly, brown-nosing wanker, Lapdog. One day, you’ll fall out of a window.

General Getyeroksov (suddenly feeling bold): Let my division annihilate this scum, my President.

Pudding: Your division, my brave general, has taken three goddamed months to advance about 25 metres. Why the hell would you think that it can now defeat some trained killers from Mexico?

Getyeroksov: I…I…

Pudding: Ay, ay what? Are you a pirate? Ay ay Captain? They even shot down five helicopters and destroyed three tanks, for God’s sake! How? They’re not even an army!

General Donpisimov: They must have had help from the Americans, President.

Pudding: Oh duurrr! You think? Well now, General, you’re going to help defeat these Mexican bandits. You’ll personally lead the attack on them.

Donpisimov felt his world sinking and he wanted to kick himself in his big, fat, stupid, blabber mouth.

Pudding: And what about the Slovenians?

The generals all looked at each other until one finally plucked up the courage to answer.

General Shakeitov (a big Taylor Swift fan): They are… not retreating, President. But I must add that they haven’t advanced…very far.

Pudding (to Lapdog): What’s Kadyrov up to these days? I could use him and his crazy Chechens to take on the Mexicans.

Lapdog: He’s semi-retired now. I heard that he took up landscape gardening, except that his gnomes are actually dwarves with their feet stuck in a bucket of cement.

Pudding: He’s as mad as a Mongolian horse rustler. Get him on the phone. (Looking at the forlorn group of generals) Right, get out. And if I don’t hear that the Mexicans have been wiped off the face of the earth soon, you’ll all be digging trenches on the front line.

MacTrump to his cabinet: I have Invited the President of China, Zi Jinjong-un, to the White House to Discuss…err, things that we Have to Discuss and Those beautiful tariffs that we Cherish so much in Our Constitution and…err, well, there It is…that’s What I’ve done and It’s Going to be Great; the Best Meeting that the World has ever Seen and the Like of Which No-one will ever See again, ladies and Gentlemen.

Everyone applauds and Marco ‘Polo’ Rubio starts singing ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow in Spanish. Nobody sings along with him.

Stephen ‘Nosferatu’ Miller: That’s excellent news, Mr. President. Truly excellent. The whole world will be watching and singing your praises.

Kristi Noem: Truly you are the Son of God.

Elon Skum: It’s going to be Big and Beautiful, Mr. Wonderful. Should I wear a Shirt?

Tulsi ‘Tasty’ Gabbard: What extra security arrangements will you require, Lord Mar-a-Lago?

MacTrump (patting Tulsi on her knee): We’ll Discuss that Later, Tulsa; just You n’ Me, ok?

Robert ‘Fitzall’ Kennedy Jr.: Will you bring…(cough) up the Covid (cough) outbreak in the (cough) Wuhan lab?

Pete ‘Happy Hour Begins at 10am’ Hegseth: Sounds like you’re bringing something up, RFK.

MacTrump: Now, now, Pete. I don’t Know yet, Bob, but it’s Gonna be a Big, Beautiful Meeting. The World will Cherish the Visit forever. Why don’t You pick out One of My Ties to Wear?

Hegseth (thinking): God, I could murder a Mai Tai.

JD ‘Maybelline’ Vance: Ah think we outta give Ji a littl’ ol’ surprise, Mister President.

MacTrump: Sure, JD…like What?

Miller (thinking): Not a panda, JD. No-one would be able to tell you apart.

Rubio (laughing). He got ya there, JD.

JD (under his breath): Just y’all wait til ahm prezzydent.

MacTrump: Hi, Madam President…a…can I call you Cloudy?

Presidenta Sheinbaum: I prefer ‘Claudia’ but good try Mr. Trumpo.

MacTrump: Ok, that’s Great. I hear You’re doing a Great Job down there in Shi…shyour country. We Have a little Situation over in the Ukraine…

Sheinbaum: With the Slovenians, I take it?

MacTrump: Hey, You’re really on the Ball, Claw…dya. And there’s How you can Help out.

Sheinbaum: I’m all ears, Donnie.

MacTrump: We’d like to Get some of your Cartel Boys over There to help out…

Sheinbaum: My boys?

MacTrump: You Know what I mean…not your actual Boys…We wanna recruit Them to fight. They’re Great fighters. They Beat your…

Sheinbaum: And just how am I supposed to get them to sign up to fight in the Ukraine? They’re not in the North Korean army.

MacTrump: There’ll be Incentives, of course. They’d be Paid Well. Fantastically Well. They’d be the best Paid Mercenaries in the history of Your Country.

Sheinbaum: I…well, I…

MacTrump: I heard that those Guys will whack Someone for a Hundred Bucks, y’know. We’d pay ‘em a whole Lot more than That. And, errr…maybe we’d look at a green card for them…

‘Nosferatu’ Miller (looking horrifed): Mr. President, we can’t…

MacTrump: Not now, Stevie…yeah, so What do you Think? It’s a Win Win for you. It’ll be Great.

Miller: Mr. President…

Sheinbaum: Yes, but if any get captured, then Putin is going to be mad with me.

MacTrump: Nah! There are Plenty of Foreigners fighting against the Russkis in the Ukraine. What’s a Mexican or two?

Sheinbaum: Well…

MacTrump: And we’ll give each Member of your Cabinet a condo in Florida.

Sheinbaum: I do believe that they’ve all got one already, Donald.

MacTrump: And a membership to my Mar-a-Lago golf club.

Sheinbaum: You played golf there with two of them last week.

MacTrump: I did? I play Golf with a lot of People.

Sheinbaum: And you kicked the ball of one of them into the lake.

MacTrump: I don’t do That kind of Thing. Must’ve been someone else.

Sheinbaum: How many guys are we taking about?

MacTrump: Steve, how many Green Cards could we Hand out?

Miller: Mr. President, we can’t go around dishing out…

MacTrump: How many, Steve?

Miller: I…I really couldn’t say…

MacTrump: Let’s call It 200 to get the ball Rolling, Cloudier.

Sheinbaum: Ok, two other things. Definitely no tariffs in the future and the USMCA.

MacTrump: Urm, yeah…refresh my Memory.

Sheinbaum: The free trade agreement we signed. It comes up for review next year and we want it to stay as it is.

MacTrump: Ok, I think We can do That.

MacTrump hangs up and turns to Miller: You see, Steve; the Art of the Deal.

Miller (thinking): Yeah, and you just got played. (Saying): We are busy kicking out criminals from this country and you want to bring in hundreds more?

MacTrump: By my reckoning, Plenty of the Mexicans will end up Dead or in a Russian Prison. Any that Make it Back we can Use for Black Ops. Win win Steve, win win. Let´s go give ‘Loose Cannon’ Bannon the good news.

Back in the Attack Room…

MAcTrump: Ok, men, what’s the Situation?

Pete Hegseth (visibly sweating): Mr. Commander Supreme-in-Chief, it’s so wonderful that you’re here. We need your all-powerful wisdom. We…

Marco ‘Polo’ Rubio: What are your orders, Señor Presidente?

General Squarejaw McGraw: It’s time to haul ass and kick some butt!

General John ‘Land of Cotton’ Nukeome: We don’t want to be hasty, Commander. This could all blow up…

MacGraw: Where’s Steve When you need Him?

Stephen ‘Nosferatu’ Miller: I’m right here, Mr. Pres…

MacTrump: Not you…I mean Steve ‘Loose Cannon’ Bannon.

Hegseth (desperate to go to the ‘bathroom’): I’ll go get him, sir…Your Highness.

Admiral Hitchcock H. ‘Ironclad’ Harriman III: Sir, with all due respect, what do we need that unkempt clown for?

MacTrump: Admiral, I’m the Top Dog Commander here. I call the Shots. You’re FIRED!

Harriman: What? I’m a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. I’m…

Miller: Fired, Admiral. You’re out. Mr. President, I think we should get Netan@yahoo in on this. You know, Bannon, he’s kind of controversial.

Squarejaw: He’s a whackjob. Just what we need! Let’s get him on board.

Steve ‘Kickback’ Witkoff rolls his eyes to the ceiling.

MacTrump: Turn on the Bannon Signal mi’ boys.

Steve Bannon is driving home from the gym and singing along to his favourite song: My name is Nancy Reagan…my husband’s name is Ron, he rule de nation…

He sees the Bannon Signal: The president needs me. I’m on my way Ron…err, Don!

Ten minutes later, ‘Loose Cannon’ Bannon passes a forlorn Admiral Harriman in the corridor and sweeps into the War Room looking like he’d been pulled through a hedge backwards, dressed in a stained, sweaty tracksuit.

A recently-refreshed Pete Hegseth comments: Nice of you to dress for the occasion, Steve.

Bannon: I was getting some exercise, Headless.

Rubio: Whipping some slaves, I guess.

Bannon: Ah, go pick some fruit, Darco Marco.

MacTrump: Boys, boys, C’mon now. Let’s focus on the Deal at Hand. We got Ourselves a Big problem.

McGraw: What problem, Commander? We go in there and kick ass.

MacTrump: The problem is my Wife. I Gotta keep her Happy. God, those damned Slovenilians.

JD ‘Maybelline’ Fancy Vancy barrels into the War Room, twanging a banjo and singing ‘Oh Susanna, oh don’t yer crah fer me, coz ah cum from Alabamee with a banjo on mah knee’. He sees Bannon and growls: What the cotton pickin’ hell is he doin’ here?

MacTrump: I called for him.

JD: Oh, good call, Mr. Supreme Leadah.

MacTrump: Now Steve…well everybody, we Need your Input here to get Around this tricky-dicky Situation. I wanna help out Melalania’s Slovlendians but We can’t Put US boots on the Ground in the Ukraine. Let’s do some Barn Storming.

Rubio: Don’t you mean…?

Miller grabs his arm and shakes his head.

Squarejaw McGraw: I’ll say it again, we gotta…

Witkoff: Yeah, we know what you think, General.

General Nukeome: We need a proxy response, Commander.

MacTrump: You think? A Precise response would be Best.

Miller: I believe he means that we should get others to fight…like the North Koreans.

MacTrump: Great; get me Kill John un on the phone.

JD: Let’s git them Yooropeans to do some faghtin’. They don’t do diddly squat. Ah’m tired of bailin’ them aht.

Rubio: They’re in NATO, JD.

JD: Ah know that. Don’t try ta tell me…

Bannon: We recruit the Mexican cartels.

A collective ‘Wha-at?!’ reverberates around the War Room.

Bannon: We do a deal with the cartels. Their guys are trained, well-armed and they work for peanuts. If they don’t play ball, we bomb the motherfuckers and deport every chulo in East LA.

Hegseth: That’s an absurd…

MacTrump: What about President Shiney Bum? Would She go for That?

Bannon: Simple; we give her zero tariffs and give every member of her cabinet a luxury condo in Florida and free membership to Mar-a-Lago.

MacTrump: What do you Think, Marco?

Rubio: Those boys do love a scrap, Mr. President. They’d be mercenaries.

Miller: I still think we should get Netan@yahoo in on this. He’ll know what to do.

Bannon flashes Miller a Dachau look.

The Batphone rings and MacTrump answers: Hey Benji, we Were just talking about you. Let me put You on Speaker

Netan@yahoo: I was summoned by your advisor, Mr. Best-President-in-History. He’s already filled me in on the situation.

MacTrump: What? How…

Netan@yahoo: He may be a scruffy goyim, but I think that Bannon’s idea is really cool.

MacTrump: Ok, Gentlemen; you heard the Man. Let’s make It happen.

Hegseth: Once again, your wisdom shines through, Supreme Commander.

Bannon: Shut up, Pete.