Resetting Hegseth (and his tailor)

Pete ‘Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill!’ Hegseth is, once again, addressing the press:

I stand before you today…with my hair recently ironed…in my 11-year old son’s suit…it’s a little snug…to inform you all…of the wisdom of the Great Donald J. Trump…J being for Jesus…it’s no longer John…President Trump is the Wonderfullest Leader in the History of the Greatest Nation on Earth.

Here are my latest…staccato ramblings…on Operation Epic Fuc…I mean Fury

Firstly…let me make this perfectly clear…we respect the freedom of our press…as long as it is patriotic, patronizing and patently supportive of this magnificent administration. Should it not be…we shall make every effort…to criminalize and collectivize it…starting with every so-called journalist at CNN…being sent to Iran…to cover our glorious and complete and total victory…without Kevlar vests and helmets…just as I did when I did my duty as a warrior for this Great Country…by killing as many ragheads…as I possibly could…from behind the front line…just like the Brits.

Once our victory is assured…and it is definitely assured…President Trump has assured us of this…so it is most definitely assured…we will move on… to the new enemy…what could be more fitting than…in this 250th anniversary of the founding of…the Greatest Country in the History of the Universe…to liberate the people…of an itsy-bitsy, little nation that we once called a friend…a special friend…an ally… but…an ally no more…the United Kingdom. I see a look of surprise on your faces…there should not be…there should be no surprise…not any…none. The United Kingdom has failed to support our Great Leader in all his decisions…and that…is inexcusable. Without the United States…the British people would not be speaking that great language…that the United States invented…English…that is a fact. The Prime Minister…whatever that means…is a communist through and through. He has based his foreign policy on Love Actually and that…as I do not need to explain…is an affront to President Trump…who wisely and generously…only placed 10% tariffs on the treacherous, backstabbing country. Furthermore, they have not…in direct contradiction to the wisdom of President Trump….gotten rid of their windmills. This…cannot be allowed…to continue. It starts with windmills…and ends with jihadist anarchy. It’s time…to re-defeat the Redcoats! [pumps both fists in the air]

Therefore, as soon as Iran is brought to its knees…and it is…I can assure you all…already on its knees….contrary to what the cowardly traitors at CNN say…we will begin operations against the UK….unless Prime Minister Keira Knightly removes himself from office….and hands over the prime ministership to [consults his notes] someone called Nigel Barrage…who will immediately sign over…the ownership of all the golf courses…in the country…to the President’s sons…Don and…the other one. He will also order…the execution of that radical, ISIS-loving Moslem extremist…Mayor of London. The execution will be…by stoning.

Once the UK is subdued…and that will take no more…than a day…the might of the US military industrial complex…will be directed at…the other Great Enemy of the President…France. Our Supreme Entity likes the French president…he likes him a lot…he has boyish good looks and charm…our Magnificently Beautiful and Elegant First Lady wants to…sleep with him…the President…wants to sleep with him…I…want to sleep with him….but Macron is far too French…and he must go…along with his husband. The French are responsible for the mayhem…and anarchy…in Iran. The French gave sanctuary to the Ayatollah Khomeini…and now…they must pay…for this heinous crime.

Und…after ze Brits und ze Froggies…are eliminated…ve vill conquer ze rest of Europe…Zieg Heil!