Pete Hegseth is having his hair ironed and the collar of his shirt tightened.
Assistant: Can you still squeak,,,I mean speak, Mr. Secretary of Death and Destruction?
Pete ‘Happy Hour Starts Anytime of the Day’ Hegseth: Hell, I could speak with my vocal chords torn out. I was in combat. I’ve got Bronze Stars. Now, let me get onto that stage. Where’s my bottle of soda?
Assistant: This one with the clear, flat liquid?
Hegseth takes a large swig of the ‘soda’ and strides out into the glare of the lights: Aarigh, aarigh, AARIGH!! Gimme a U, gimme an S, gimme an A…whaddya got?! Just the rootinest, tootinest, most goddamed powerful country that the Dear Lord ever created, led by the guy that God made in His own image; the Best President in the History of our Country and Nobel Peace Prize Winner, His Supreme Magnificence, Donald J. for Jesus Trump!
Pete fist pumps the air and makes dog noises.
I’m here today to tell you that we are giving in the Iranians the worst beating of their miserable, idol-worshipping lives. They are defeated, depleted, deflated and deranged. We are in complete control of the skies and, when I say ‘complete control’, I mean that we are in complete control; total control; we are absolutely in control.
We’re bombing them in the daytime. We’re bombing them at night. We’re bombing them 24 hours a day. If there were more hours in a day, we’d bomb them then as well. We’re the best bombers in history. No-one bombs like us, and President Trump has bombed more than anyone in history.
We are accelerating. And when I say ‘accelerating’, I mean that we are not decelerating. We are getting faster. Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Flying over Tehran, flying over Iran, flying over their capital…whatever it’s called, flying over the IRGC…whatever that is, Iranian leaders, who are all dead, looking up and seeing only us and Israeli air power every minute of every day, until we decide it’s over. But we’re only just getting started. Iran will be able to do nothing about it, except die. We have total control of the skies. Even the birds are staying in their nests.
President-for-Life Trump has given his holy, Maximum Authority for our brave men and… others in uniform to wreak the máximum death and destruction on the Iranian people. But only the bad ones. Our advanced, intelligent, anti-gravity, goodness-seeking missiles and bombs only kill bad guys. They don’t kill women and children, except if they are members of the Ayatollah’s family or if they are in a school. Being in a school means they are learning to make suicide vests and so they must die! All the Millers…I mean Mullahs and their raghead spawn must die!! Uuph…phew. (Pete has mild orgasm).
We have an inexu…an inexhor…we will never run out of bombs and missiles. They will go on forever. They will never run out. There will be death, more death and even more death. It’s a fight to their death. It’s not a fair fight. We’re the Chosen of God. We’re Crusaders on a divine mission. They are infidels who must die. We’re kicking them when they’re down. We’re bending their fingers back. We’re pulling off the women’s veils and ruffling their hair. We are unstoppable, unbeatable and undefenseable.
And, we’re just getting started. The Iranies had possession of the ball at the start, but they have no plays. We have all the plays and QB All-Star American Donald Jesus Trump is the master play-caller. We’ll score touchdown after touchdown. We’ll never stop winning. We’re the World Champions.
Ok, now I’ll take your questions, but only patriotic ones. Right, you, person of non-white skin.
Reporter: How can you explain that one Kuwaiti pilot managed to take out three F-15s?
Hegseth: I said only patriotic questions! Get the hell outta here. Next question.
British reporter: When you were on active service in Afghanistan, did you see British troops staying back from the front line?
Hegseth: Goddamit, we whupped your Redcoat asses! Get the hell outta here. Next question…
Minority News Report 