The Snow Mouse that Roared

Mette Frederiksen (PM of Denmark): So, what’s the plan Jens?

Jens-Frederik Nielsen (PM of Greenland): Simple; we declare war on the USA.

Mette: Whaddaya nutz?!

Jens: No, far from it.

Mette: Where the hell did you get that dumb idea from?

Jens: Peter Sellers…well, the film that he starred in.

Mette: We’re trying to keep NATO together and you want to go to war with the US?

Jens: No, silly. I don’t want to go to war with the US; merely to declare war on the US of A.

Mette: The difference being?

Jens: For one thing, it keeps NATO intact as Greenland will officially be the aggressor.

Mette: Ye…es. But what do you hope to achieve?

Jens: Well, it will get you and Denmark out of a bind.

Mette: Will it? As part of Denmark, we’d be legally bound to come to Greenland’s defence.

Jens: Not if we are doing the attacking.

Mette: What are you going to attack the US with; some SEALS? Ha ha, you get it…seals?

Jens: Very droll. Look, watch ‘The Mouse That Roared’. By declaring war on the USA, the itsy-bitsy little kingdom got taken over by the US and got all the benefits. Y’know, all the investment n’ stuff.

Mette: But that’s what we’re trying to prevent?

Jens: But you can’t, can you? Who can stand up to the yanks? Maybe China and that’s it. Trump is dead set on getting his mitts on Greenland and there’s nothing that can be done to stop him. If he takes over militarily, NATO will be obliged to come to your, well our, defence, and that would be a catastrophe. NATO would collapse, and the whole house of cards would tumble.

Mette: Hmmm, there is a certain logic…

Jens: Of course there is. The Greenlanders would be lauded for standing up to the bully, Denmark would be absolved from getting a task force together and maybe we’d finally have a decent ice hockey team.

Mette: You know that I couldn’t officially sanction this…I can’t believe I’m saying it…declaration of war. How do you mean to go about it?

Jens: I was thinking of inviting Don Junior back and engineering an incident.

Mette: An “incident”? Not a Sarajevo Archduke-type of incident?

Jens: No, nothing so extreme. I was thinking along the lines of insults and snowballs. Tell him what a dickhead his father is. Insinuate that his real dad was Jeffrey Epstein. I dunno; I’m just making it up as we go. Challenge him to a duel.

Mette: With what?

Jens: Errm, lead-filled snowshoes maybe.

Mette: You are nutz.