UnHappy Killmore

Pete ‘Happy Hour Starts at 10am’ Hegseth: Hi Tom, this is Secretary of Off…Defense Hegseth.

Tom ‘Usain Bolt’ Cruise: Yeah, and I’m Rip Van Winkle.

Hegseth (thinking) You’re about the same heighth. (says) Don’t you recognize my voice?

Cruise: I have to admit that it has the same whiney quality.

Hegseth: (thinking) You’re not really a Top Gun, shorty. (says) Ha ha, yes that’s me, the whiney Secretary of Defense of the USA.

Cruise: How did you get this number?

Hegseth: That’s the thing. When you’re the Secretary of Kil…Defense, you can get any number you wish.

Cruise: Or a hacker. So, presuming that you really are Pete Hegseth, what can I do for you?

Hegseth: Our Commander-in-Chief is inviting you to play golf with him this weekend at Mar-a-Lago. You do play, don’t you?

Cruise: Have you seen my movies? I do all my own stunts.

Hegseth: Even in ‘Magnolia’?

Cruise: I’ll play golf with the President as long as he agrees not to cheat. Maverick doesn’t cheat.

Hegseth (thinking) And Charlie don’t surf. (says) I’ll pass on your condition to the President but I can assure you that he doesn’t cheat. He simply likes to move things along. He hates slow play, as in everything he does.

Cruise: Indeed. And how do I get to Mar-a-Lago.

Hegseth: He’ll send Marine One for you but please, Mr. Cruise, get into the helicopter, not cling onto a wheel.

Cruise: You can have a Martini now.