Back in the Attack Room…
MAcTrump: Ok, men, what’s the Situation?
Pete Hegseth (visibly sweating): Mr. Commander Supreme-in-Chief, it’s so wonderful that you’re here. We need your all-powerful wisdom. We…
Marco ‘Polo’ Rubio: What are your orders, Señor Presidente?
General Squarejaw McGraw: It’s time to haul ass and kick some butt!
General John ‘Land of Cotton’ Nukeome: We don’t want to be hasty, Commander. This could all blow up…
MacGraw: Where’s Steve When you need Him?
Stephen ‘Nosferatu’ Miller: I’m right here, Mr. Pres…
MacTrump: Not you…I mean Steve ‘Loose Cannon’ Bannon.
Hegseth (desperate to go to the ‘bathroom’): I’ll go get him, sir…Your Highness.
Admiral Hitchcock H. ‘Ironclad’ Harriman III: Sir, with all due respect, what do we need that unkempt clown for?
MacTrump: Admiral, I’m the Top Dog Commander here. I call the Shots. You’re FIRED!
Harriman: What? I’m a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. I’m…
Miller: Fired, Admiral. You’re out. Mr. President, I think we should get Netan@yahoo in on this. You know, Bannon, he’s kind of controversial.
Squarejaw: He’s a whackjob. Just what we need! Let’s get him on board.
Steve ‘Kickback’ Witkoff rolls his eyes to the ceiling.
MacTrump: Turn on the Bannon Signal mi’ boys.
Steve Bannon is driving home from the gym and singing along to his favourite song: My name is Nancy Reagan…my husband’s name is Ron, he rule de nation…
He sees the Bannon Signal: The president needs me. I’m on my way Ron…err, Don!
Ten minutes later, ‘Loose Cannon’ Bannon passes a forlorn Admiral Harriman in the corridor and sweeps into the War Room looking like he’d been pulled through a hedge backwards, dressed in a stained, sweaty tracksuit.
A recently-refreshed Pete Hegseth comments: Nice of you to dress for the occasion, Steve.
Bannon: I was getting some exercise, Headless.
Rubio: Whipping some slaves, I guess.
Bannon: Ah, go pick some fruit, Darco Marco.
MacTrump: Boys, boys, C’mon now. Let’s focus on the Deal at Hand. We got Ourselves a Big problem.
McGraw: What problem, Commander? We go in there and kick ass.
MacTrump: The problem is my Wife. I Gotta keep her Happy. God, those damned Slovenilians.
JD ‘Maybelline’ Fancy Vancy barrels into the War Room, twanging a banjo and singing ‘Oh Susanna, oh don’t yer crah fer me, coz ah cum from Alabamee with a banjo on mah knee’. He sees Bannon and growls: What the cotton pickin’ hell is he doin’ here?
MacTrump: I called for him.
JD: Oh, good call, Mr. Supreme Leadah.
MacTrump: Now Steve…well everybody, we Need your Input here to get Around this tricky-dicky Situation. I wanna help out Melalania’s Slovlendians but We can’t Put US boots on the Ground in the Ukraine. Let’s do some Barn Storming.
Rubio: Don’t you mean…?
Miller grabs his arm and shakes his head.
Squarejaw McGraw: I’ll say it again, we gotta…
Witkoff: Yeah, we know what you think, General.
General Nukeome: We need a proxy response, Commander.
MacTrump: You think? A Precise response would be Best.
Miller: I believe he means that we should get others to fight…like the North Koreans.
MacTrump: Great; get me Kill John un on the phone.
JD: Let’s git them Yooropeans to do some faghtin’. They don’t do diddly squat. Ah’m tired of bailin’ them aht.
Rubio: They’re in NATO, JD.
JD: Ah know that. Don’t try ta tell me…
Bannon: We recruit the Mexican cartels.
A collective ‘Wha-at?!’ reverberates around the War Room.
Bannon: We do a deal with the cartels. Their guys are trained, well-armed and they work for peanuts. If they don’t play ball, we bomb the motherfuckers and deport every chulo in East LA.
Hegseth: That’s an absurd…
MacTrump: What about President Shiney Bum? Would She go for That?
Bannon: Simple; we give her zero tariffs and give every member of her cabinet a luxury condo in Florida and free membership to Mar-a-Lago.
MacTrump: What do you Think, Marco?
Rubio: Those boys do love a scrap, Mr. President. They’d be mercenaries.
Miller: I still think we should get Netan@yahoo in on this. He’ll know what to do.
Bannon flashes Miller a Dachau look.
The Batphone rings and MacTrump answers: Hey Benji, we Were just talking about you. Let me put You on Speaker
Netan@yahoo: I was summoned by your advisor, Mr. Best-President-in-History. He’s already filled me in on the situation.
MacTrump: What? How…
Netan@yahoo: He may be a scruffy goyim, but I think that Bannon’s idea is really cool.
MacTrump: Ok, Gentlemen; you heard the Man. Let’s make It happen.
Hegseth: Once again, your wisdom shines through, Supreme Commander.
Bannon: Shut up, Pete.
Minority News Report 