Steve ‘Kickback’ Witkoff: We cannot send troops into the Ukraine, Mr. President.
MacTrump: Oh, You’re here too, Steve.
Witkoff: Pudding is our friend. He’s a great guy. I’m a member of his fan club. He’s so ruggedly handsome. I’ve got that photo of him barechested on a horse on the wall of my den. (singing) I wanna kiss him all over…and over again…I wanna kiss him…
MacTrump: Yeah, We get the Picture, Steve.
Miller: No way, Mister Prez. It’ll be bad for business. And for your friends in New York.
MacTrump (murmuring): I know, but You heard Melanie.
Miller: You deny everything, as usual. Say it’s all fake. No-one will care.
Squarejaw: Hell, the Ruskis are the enemy, Commander. We gotta fight ‘em sooner or later. Why not sooner now that them Yoocraneans have weakened ‘em.
Witkoff: Trump Tower in Moscow, Mr. President.
Miller: The Nobel Peace Prize, Mr. President.
Nukeome: Worrld Warr Thu-ree, Mr. Prezide-ent.
Rubio: The Yalta-a-Lago Project, Mr. President.
Hegseth: Can I pop out to use the bathroom, Supreme Leader?
‘Ironclad’ Harriman III: Gotcha hipflask, Mr. Defence Secretary?
JD ‘Maybeline’ Fancy Vancy: Mr. President, we should stay outta it. We should stay outta everythin’ and everywhere. Announce that the US of A is leaving NATO raght nah. That’ll put tha fox intah the hen house. Show them Yooropeans that we ain’t gonna bale ‘em out no more. Where’s mah bango?
Hegseth: Goddamed right! They’re pathetic! I just need to go to the bathroom, please sir.
Squarejaw McGraw: Ah hell! Yer bunch of yellow bellies. Ah’m gonna resign my commission and join the Ukrainian Foreign Legion.
Generalia Melania: And I am going wiz you, General Squvarejaw. I vill fight wiz my patriots…and I vill take Barron wiz me.
MacTrump: Say what?!
Meanwhile in Moscow…
Vladimir Pudding: Are they serious? We could swat the Slovenians like flies. My buddy MacTrump won’t go for it.
Sergei Lapdog: He may be dumber than ditchwater but even MacTrump wouldn’t be stupid enough to spark a war.
General Getyakitov: (saying) We should be prepared, O Exalted Comrade Commander Pudding (while thinking, Please don’t have me thrown out of my apartment window).
Lapdog: Just remind MacTrump of that video we have of him with the call girls.
Meanwhile in London…
Sir Ikea Stammerer: This is mega! Go on, Mel; you give it to your hubbie.
John Healey: As Defence Minister, I must urge caution, PM.
Stammerer: Why? This could be the answer to our prayers.
John Healey: Not if the USA leaves NATO.
Admiral Sir Tony Rakeitin (shouting and thumping the table): You heard what they said. They think we’re a bunch of pussies and they want us to pay for their help.
General Sir Rupert Farquar-Stiff-Upper-Lip: Why don’t we get 007 to take MacTrump out?
Stammerer: What? You know that 007 is a fictional character, Sir Rupert.
Sir Rupert: Is he?
Healey: JD would take over anyway and he hates us more than anyone.
Sir Rupert: Take him out too.
Meanwhile in Brussels…
Ursula von der Leynenyourpocket: So, you all heard that. What do we do?
Cool Prez MacroNapoleon: Why do you sink zat France left the NATO command structure in 1966?
General Mark ‘MTV’ Rutte: If the Slovenian forces are attacked, then we must sit on the fence.
Javier Bettel: The Luxembourger army will fight!
MacroNapoleon: Sank you, Javier, but you know, 300 soldiers won’t really ‘elp much.
Victor Orbandemocracy: My forces will fight! For Mother Russia!
Donald ‘Poniatowski’ Tusk: Why is Hungary even in NATO? You’re the enemy.
Orbandemocracy: Ukraine is the enemy, we must attack Slovenia.
Mark Carney: Now, gentlemen, please. Let’s…
Tusk aims a punch at Orbandemocracy, who blocks the swing and the two start grappling. The Hungarian PM is one tough cookie but Tusk uses his Aikido skills and hurls his opponent into the corner of the room.
Rutte throws his arms up in despair: NATO SCHMATO.
Minority News Report 