JD ‘Maybeline’ Fancy Vancy: It’s great to be back in Munich yet again. I lurve Munich; my wife and I lurve Munich; I lurve the people so much; we lurve the Munichia…Munchin…Munchkin people so much. I know I shook y’all up last time when I said that you were all a bunch of commie, baby-murdering Nazis an’ I have returned to tell y’all that, where ah’m from, you’d be all strung up from a tree bah now…
Ursula von der Leynenyourpocket: It’s this wanker again. Why is he here again and why the hell is he wearing more make-up than me?
Cool Prez MacroNapoleon: And to sink zat ma country helped zem get zer independonce from ze Rosbiffs.
Fancy Vancy: …that Supreme President MacTrump is the Leader of the Free Universe and he will make y’all free, free from the tyranny of woke, wishy-washy, anti-God, anti-guns, Bible-denying, transgender abortion clinics…
NATO Secretary General Mark ‘MTV’ Rutte: He’sch the VIP with backwoodsch zip. I liked that seriesch with that hot Julia Louis-Dreyfusch…”Did the president call?” The president never callsch, eh?
Cool Prez MacroNapoleon’s waxwork wife: Dreyfus? The Vice-Presidon iz francais? Ey, Ursula, is my wig on straight? It iz not willy wonky?
Ursula von der Leynenyourpocket: Is Timothée Chamelet here? I want to jump on his Bobby Dylan bones.
Fancy Vancy: …you need to hand back the elecshun to the Rumanian Fascist Party raght nah. Yer cain’t challenge an elecshun; we don’t do tha’ sort o’ thang in a Deemocracy like the Yoonited States of Amurrica…
Meanwhile, in Sordid Arabia, MacTrump and his delegation are taking their places at the Long Table, flown in from Moscow by President Vladimir Pudding for the Negotiations to Right Royally Shaft the Ukraine. The President of all the Russias was still in the green room, psyching himself up for the difficult task ahead – trying not to laugh at MacTrump’s ludicrously inept and ignorant comments.
Sergei Lapdog, the Russian Foreign Tyrants and Pirates Minister, shakes his jowels, as only he can shake ‘em. He comes to the door of the green room and hears the resounding tones of his leader. He pushes one jowel aside and he hooks a King Lear up to the door.
Vladimir Pudding, is reciting Shakespeare, quoting Prospero in The Tempest: Thou poisonous snake, got by the Devil himself. Upon thy wicked dam, come forth!
Pudding: I can hear your jowels wobbing around, Lapdog. Stop listening at the door and come in.
Lapdog: They’re here, Tsarovitch Pudding
Pudding: Who is with the Orange-uman?
Lapdog: Marco Plonko, Bloodbank Miller, Pete Headless and some other guys.
Putin: It’s 10am already. Pete Headless will have the shakes. You go and warm up the crowd first and I’ll make my grand entrance in a few minutes.
Sergei Lapdog rolls his eyes and wobbles his jowels: Whatever you say, Tsarovitch.
Lapdog takes his seat at the Long Table: President Pudding will be with us in a few minutes, gentlemen. Did you have a good flight?
Pete ‘Happy Hour Begins at 10am’ Hegseth: Now, listen up, Lapdog. I’m here to tell you that President MacTrump is the Best Negotiator in the History of Our Country. That’s what we call him; ‘The Negotiator’ After an intensive 10-second deliberation with The Greatest President in the History of Our Country, we are willing to let Putin keep all the land you guys occupy. Plus, we’ll throw in a trial for Zelensky for something or other and that unless the NATO countries spend 50% of their GDP on defence, which they’ll never do, we’ll get rid of it. Lastly, Ukraine will pay all your costs of the war…oh yeah, and you can keep all those thousands of kids you kidnapped. I’m warning you now, if you don’t accept these terms, we’ll have no option but to cancel the Yalta-a-Lago Project.
Lapdog: We did not kidnap any kids. They volunteered to be relocated.
MacTrump (to Rubio): Who is this Zelensky guy? Is he an ice hockey player?
Marco ‘Polo’ Rubio: He’s the president of the Ukraine.
MacTrump: Shouldn’t he be here?
Stephen ‘Nosferatu’ Miller: His presence is not required, Mr. President. Not now, not ever.
MacTrump: That’s great, really great, Stephen. Should I be here?
Miller: Oh yes. Tee-off time with Steve is not ‘til eleven, so you’ve got an hour.
MacTrump: Jeez, 50 minutes more of this? I’m playing golf with you?
Miller: No, the other Steve…Witkoff.
Mike ‘Last’ Waltz: We want payback. It’s payback tahme. We get all tha mineral and rare metal rahghts in the Ukraine fer ever and ever amen…payback, you hear what ah’m sayin’? We need all this so we can beat up on them chinkies. (to MacTrump): Mister President, can ah go an’ shoot somethin’? Ah like ta shoot somethin’ before lunch.
Lapdog: Indeed. And you are? (jowelisticulating at Steve ‘Wicked’ Witkoff)
Witkoff: We met before. I am overseeing the land gra…land purchases in Ga…the Middle East. I am Special Envoy to…
Lapdog: We play golf later, ok. Maybe a little real estate deal.
Pete glanced anxiously at his watch. It was 10.10am and he was getting the itch.
Lapdog: You drive a hard bargain, Pieter. These terms are wery tough. I will put them to the Boss. Are you feeling okay? You look a leettle peeky.
MacTrump (to Rubio): Is Springsteen here? Where’s Vlad the Inhaler?
Rubio (whispering): The Impaler, Mr. President.
MacTrump: Impaler; isn’t that a Car? I though We called Him Vlad the Inhaler coz he had Asthma.
Rubio: Err, no…it’s…never mind…
Vlad marches, in his wonky-armed robotic way, into the room and plonks himself at the head of the Long Table, a good 10 feet away from anyone else.
MacTrump: Hey, Prezzie Pudding! How’s it Going?
Pudding: Wery well, Donnie. I think our business is nearly concluded here. I just have one small request to make.
MacTrump: Fire away, Pudding.
Pudding: I really think it was better when there were two Germanys.
MacTrump: Me too. I liked watching those East German Women athletes. Big girls. Hell, Europe is Screwed. We only Tolerated Germany because of their Cars, but Elon is changing That. The Brits are Okay; y’know, the Royals and the Golf courses. The Rest ain’t worth a Damn. So, are We all Done? Those Links are calling me.
Benji Netan@yahoo enters with Baron Guy de Montrillionaire de Rothschild and the room falls silent.
Minority News Report 