Pengland

By Royal Footie Decree, England has officially changed its name to Pengland.

Players have been instructed to try to intentionally miss their penalties from now on, in the hope that this will produce an opposite result.

They will also be required to use their ‘wrong’ foot to take a penalty.

Failing that, they are recommended to head the ball at the goal.

The first player to take a penalty will now be the goalkeeper.

Any Penglish player who misses a penalty will be put into the stocks in the Brent Cross shopping centre and pelted with 3-day old Chicken Tikka Masala.

Any Penglish player who hippity-skippity-hops and then misses the penalty will be made to wander the land forever, relating his tale of woe to all and sundry.

Any player who, by some strange quirk of fate, manages to actually score a penalty, will be knighted on the spot by the reigning monarch and be allowed to use the Royal Barge on Mondays.

Any Pengland manager who, by some strange quirk of fate, manages to actually win a penalty shootout, will be given the title of Lord High Penal Executioner, will have a statue erected in his/her honour and a fly-on-the-wall documentary will be made about said manager. The fly on the wall will be awarded the FBE.

Any opposition player who fails to score a penalty against Pengland will be awarded a Royal Pension of 300 groats of oats per annum and will given a damned good snogging by a royal of his choice (corgis included).

Any opposition goalkeeper who saves a penalty against Pengland will be officially deemed to be an Enemy of the Realm and, if found to be on Penglish soil, will be apprehended and covered in pig’s excrement before being made to play three-and-in with Vinny Jones.