News coming in is that the upcoming elections in Mexico have been cancelled, and the reason is that all the candidates have been murdered. Yes, all of them. Not one single one…oh, just a moment, there is a candidate for mayor of a small town in the state of Guerrero called Montón de Cuerpos. Our man on the ground has managed to track the craz…candidate down so we’re going over now for a live interview with the damned foo…errm brave citizen, who apparently wishes to remain anonymous:
Correspondent Ed Winchester (that name rings a bell): Mr. Anonymous, I’m an American so I’m not required to speak a foreign language. I presume you speak English.
Mr Anonymous: You da reporterr in Mejico an’ you don’ espeak Espanish? You mus’ be wid de Foxy News.
Ed : I took a 2-hour course in Guaajadala…Guadalajad…Gualada…in Mexico. Anyway, you wish to remain anonymous.
Anon: Yeah, ah ain’ estoopid. Ah tell you mah name an’ dey kill mah famlee. Dey dig up dah…wassa word? Ah yah, dah bodez of mah grandmoms an’ dey kill dem agin.
Ed: You must be fearful of reprisals.
Anon: Wha’? Repri…wha’?
Ed: A kind of revenge attack…err, vengeance…
Anon: Ah, venganza! Sure, Ah ain’ estoopid.
Ed: It seems like you will be mayor for the lack of other candidates.
Anon: You askin’ me questyons o tellin’ me stuff?
Ed: It’s the way we reporters ask questions nowadays.
Anon: I wanna make Mejico great agin…lika your Troomp.
Ed: That would be difficult.
Anon: I make all de gringos here to get de visa.
Ed: Uhh?
Anon: I mean dey live ‘ere indocumentados, y’know. Dey illegals. Why you make all dis fuss abou’ de illegals mejicanos in Estados Unidos uh? Niney percen’ of da gringos dey live ‘ere with no visa. I make dem pay multa.
Ed: That’s a fine, I think.
Anon: Yes, very fine. Very good.
Ed: Arrm…yes, anyway. But your only a candidate for mayor and…
Anon: ‘Your’ is de possessive adjectivo, maan. You mean ‘you’re’, de contracshon. Why all you gringos get it wrong?
Ed: Arrm, yeah.
Anon: Ah would take back de lan’ that de gringos took from oos, like California an’ Tejas. Mucho money in California, y’know. All de fruit n’ Hollywood n’ shit. ‘An New Mejico; get doz Heisenberg barriles o’ cash.
Ed: You mean invade the USA? Oops, that was a question…you can’t do that. The USA is the most powerful nation in the world. We’re the greatest.
Anon: Maybe you de greates’ but you also de dumbes’. You make de aliados…err allies wid de countries an’ den you invade ’em. An wid de real bad guys, you put de factories dere an’ you make ’em rich. You is strange people.
Ed: What? No, we don’t do that…well ok, sometimes we…look, you can’t invade us. We’re too strong. Our military will crush you.
Anon: We don’ invade you. We’re not stoopid. We tell de mejicanos allá to stop de work, like in da film. You get de paralysis, y’know.
Ed: But that won’t defeat us.
Anon: We get da cartel cabrones to go dere in de tuneles they make an’ boom…you fooked gringo. Dey de best fighters, like el Canelo. ‘E beat everybody.
Ed: That’s ridiculous. They wouldn’t stand a chance…hey, who are these guys? Hey, what are you doing?
Anon: Now you ask de questyons. ‘Ere’s a questyon for you; ‘ow you say ‘rescate’ in English?
Minority News Report 