In a capricious show of gross overreaction today, the Battle Group Mean Muthafucka, lead by the aircraft carrier USS Big Bad Sonofabitch, steamed into UK territorial waters, or more specifically, the poorly combined clothing side of the English Channel, blockading the comatose coastal town of Dontlikeit Upham and causing panic amongst the local populace, who reacted by pausing for half a mo in between sips of tea.
Lord High Protector and Witchfinder General of the Free World (sic), President Ronald McDonald Trump had ordered the battle group to the UK in order to bring to heel the once-but-no-longer meek n’ mild sleeping partner in the cosy, ring-around-a-rosy special relationship that had existed since various powerful Masonic lodges decided to create the Good Ol’ US of A. This was in response to the Queen ordering Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett Johnson sent to the Tower for telling porky pies to Ma’am about the proroguing of Parliament.
Bonfires were lit along the south coast of England and, upon seeing them, the commander of the US Marine Rapid Slaughter of Innocent Civilians Response Force, Major-General George Armstrong Cowardy Custer VI, was heard to exclaim: “Well shuck ma britches. Let’s go massacre some injuns!”
Fearful of a counterattack by the elite British STS (Special Tea Service), the US War Cabinet had been whisked off to their underground bunker in the top secret location of Turdsville, Ohio (1/12th scale model available on Amazon for $49.99) and an emergency session was convened, the classified list of participants being:
Chief of Staff, Rear-Admiral (ex-Navy Baby Seal), Chuck Squarejaw McGraw
Special Advisor for Annexing the Solar System, Benjamin Netanyahoo.com
Special Advisor on Uniforms for the Armed Forces, Generalia Melania ‘Za-Za’ Trumpette
National Insecurity Advisor, John ‘Hang ‘Em High n’ Let ‘Em Dangle’ Bolton
Head of Blowing Things to Bits, Werner ‘It’s Not Exactly Rocket Science’ von Eva Braun III
Vice-President and Chief Liason with the Big Guy Upstairs, Mike ‘Saint Michael’ Pence
Secretary of State, Mike ‘Last Days of’ Pompeo.
Kim Jong-un Kardashian (Genetic Aumentation Masterace Division)
Director of the CIA, Kanye Tell Me What I’m Talking About West
Unarmed Catering Combat Coordinator, Steven ‘Lipreader’s Nightmare’ Seagal
Satan
President No-Trumps kicked off proceedings with: “We’ve just Received this Video Message from General Custard. It’s Great. Ya gonna Love it. It’s Fantastic. Play it.”
“I love the smell of freshly-bludgeoned Brits in the morning. About a mile out, I’ll put on the music. I play Beethoven’s 9th, mah boys love it. It scares the hell outta Nigel Farage. Some day this Brexit’s gonna end.”
Insecurity Advisor Bolton chipped in: “That’s great! Let’s kick some redcoat ass!”
President Trump: “You know John, you look like that Ted fella in the Movies, but with a Moustache. He’s Funny but your Moustache is Fake. You’re fired!”
John Bolton slumped off, muttering “I’m gonna have that Mark Wahlberg whacked.”
Generalia Melania chimed in: “Do ze Breeteesh still vear de redcoatz? Red iz in zis seazon. I vant to show you ze new accessoriez zat I haf designed for ze new ooniforms. Zey are sooo divine, darrlinks.”
Satan piped in with: “Our guys should wear all red. Red uniforms, red helmets, red boots, red underwear. I love red. I wear it all the time.”
Steven Seagal added: “Yerrr cnn shvve yer rdd yooonifmms whrre thrre snn dnnt shnne.”
Werner von Eva Braun III: “Vhat? Vhy doez he mumble zo much? I zink ve should launch more rrocketz right now. I love ze rocketz. Vhat beautifuul muzic zey make.”
President Trump pursed his lips and absent-mindedly wiped some dirt off his shoes with his tie: “Ok, I didn’t Understand any of That. Let’s Hear what the Director of the CIA has to say…Kanye?”
“I can improve Beethoven’s 9th. I can make it so that your ears drop off when you listen to it. I want to die with my ears attached to my head.”
“Yeah….err, thanks Kanye.” Trump rolled his eyes and pointed to his temple. “Ok, VP Mike, what’s God got to Say About all of This?”
“Well, Mr. President, He said we should all pray.”
“Pray, pray, pray…He Always says that. Hell, what do I Pay you for? You’re Fired!” Satan’s pointed ears pricked up at the mention of his abode.
Mike Pompeo remonstrated: “Mr. President, you’re can’t fire the VP. There’d be no-one to replace you in case of…”
President Trump: “Replace me? That No-body Pence? I am Trump. I am unplace…I am irrripla…I am…what’s the word? I am Fantastic. I’m Appointing Myself VP…as well as the P…I’ll be the VPP…or the PVP. I need to Take a Pee.”
Pompeo persisted: “But Mr. P…”
Trump: “And now that I’ve got Two Jobs, you can Have two, too…”
Generalia Melania: “A tu-tu? I loffe ze ballet.”
Trump: “…you’re now Insecurity Advisor too. No extra Pay though.
Pompeo: “But Mr….ermm VPP, that’s not fair…”
Trump: “Not fair? You’re fired too! Where’s Ivanka? Get me Ivanka now! She can Do 18 Jobs at the same time. She’s a Trump.”
Kim Jong-un Kardashian woke up at this point and said to the VPP in a bored, languid voice: “I dreamt that we opened a tie shop together.”
Trump turned to Benjamin Netanyahoo.com with an exasperated look on his face and asked him: “Should we Annex the UK? I could Turn it into a one big Golf Resort.”
Netanyahoo.com opined: “A fine idea, Mr. VPP. And an offshore tax haven. And we’ll make the Isle of Wight into a refugee camp. After I’ve finished annexing Jupiter, I’ll get right on it.”
Trump: “The Isle of Wight? That sounds Racist and I haven’t got a Racist bone in my Body. Change it to the Isle of Trump. You’re the best Ben. You’re a Great Guy. I wanna Kiss you.”
Chuck Squarejaw McGraw was hopping around impatiently: “Can I kill something now, Mr. President…please, pretty please?”
Minority News Report 