TRUMP DRINKS GALLON OF BEER, SAYS SOMETHING NICE ON TWITTER THEN ORDERS INVASION OF TAIWAN

“I drink beer. I like beer. I was weened on beer. I live for beer. If I had a keg, I’d drink it in the morning, I’d drink it in the evening, all over this land…”

With shares in beer companies surging after Brett Kavanaugh eulogised/sobbed uncontrollably about the amber nectar, President Trump was overheard saying: “This beer thing has gone on too goddamed long. I’ve gotta try it. I want beer. I’m gonna be the best drunk the world has ever seen.” Reports say that the president’s aides tried to dissuade him but the Iron and Steel Prez was not for turning. They then forcibly restrained him, but Trump belied his 70 years and shrugged them off with a few ‘lucha libre’ moves that he’d learnt from Presidente-electo Andrés Manuel López Obrador (or ‘Manny Labrador’ as Trump called him).

“I want Mexican beer!” el Trumpo bellowed and thrust his coiffured head into an opened keg of Dos Equis. “They’re gonna called it Triple X now! I need to tweet!” Aides were taken aback at the sight of the President’s beer-soaked hair, as it now flowed, Rapunzel-like, to the floor.

“Hey Hillary, coochi-coo baby. Who luvs ya?” The tweet was removed.

“We gotta invade shumbody! An’ I don’t mean some little, tinpot banana repu…rebu…plic like Panama or Pakistan. Let’s go fer the big one…China! Invade one o’ their islands they built in the…ahh..wazzername ah that ocean?” And he stabbed a short, chubby digit into the map.